I just got 3 tips off a bookie for the Grand National. Sunshine. Moonlight. Good Times If they don't win, don't blame it on Sunshine, don't blame it on Moonlight, don't blame it on Good Times, blame it on the Bookie.
A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh*t."
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb...Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.. At first she's really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you just tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you’re one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don’t understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out." "Now, how about that drink?"
Engineer A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat . So they release the drunkard as well. The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I see what your problem is!"
Late one night a woman phones the police and says she can hear 2 burglars downstairs in her house, the woman on the line says sorry dear but we have no cars in the area and we're all busy, just sit quietly and someone will get to you as soon as they can, the woman puts the phone down and rings back a minute later and says it's ok no rush now I've shot the burglars, Within a minute there's 6 cop cars outside her house and the police helicopter flying above, the police storm the house and catch the burglars, whilst taking them out One copper says I thought you said you had shot them, to which the woman replied, and I thought you were all busy
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing." At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?" The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off.
At a Glasgow Pub Quiz, the final question to win £1000 pounds is: "Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were, "Take That, what were the second two?" After a lengthy silence a wee Glesga man stands up and says.." was it.... Ya Bastard?"
