BREAKING: Chelsea are set to make an appeal to FA to enlarge the size of the goal posts so that Timo Werner can score. please log in to view this image
A school teacher asked her class to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”. One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes so I presume the dishwasher was broken.” “Very good” said the teacher. Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume the BMW wouldn’t start.” “That’s excellent” says the teacher. Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he headed for the bush, I presume that....” The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.” Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.” The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.” “As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a **** because he can’t read.
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way!! No needles!! I hate needles,' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!' The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill . 'No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills'. The dentist then returns and says, 'here's a Viagra tablet'. The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' 'It doesn't', said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!!
I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover, to the sound of my neighbour, mowing his lawn. I was going to get up but I thought "Nah, sod it, he can mow around me!
