I was watching 8 out of 10 does countdown. The ad break anagram was; oh my knob. And the clue? Often held by priests. Brilliant! !
It is just before Scotland v England in the World Cup Group game. Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're ****e and we can't be bothered". Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also works on him and the woman sleeps very soundly for a change. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place".
Martial Law had been declared A strict Curfew was in place. Any-one on the streets after 6pm was to be shot on sight. Two soldiers are walking along the street at 5:45 pm when a man went past them on a bicycle. One of the soldiers raised his rifle and shot the man dead. The other soldier looked at him, alarmed, and said "what the hell did you do that for, it only quarter to!" The first solder replied "I know where he lives - he'd never have made it!"
A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexual abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and amongst other things asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep "Well its quite simple cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and your in" The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question "Ah we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and shag it from behind" Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it "Well it's bloody awkward see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and shag it like that" The Student replies "Why don't you shag it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "Shag it from behind? Well how else am I supposed to kiss it?"
Husband: What's that brown circle on the dining table? Wife: Oh that's from when I was sat there having a coffee. Husband: Well next time either sit on a chair or wipe your ass first!
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know" said the doctor "you really have to learn to trust me"......
Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. Bloody typical, all the windows are boarded up and some twats nicked all the soddin' chocolate.
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also works on him and the woman sleeps very soundly for a change. The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place".
David Cameron says that Britain is a Christian country. Like most people living in the UK, I disagree with this. And that infidel kuffar bastard will soon regret insulting Allah like that.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said "I do, Father". The priest said "Then stand over there against the wall". Then the priest asked the second man "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father" the man replied. "Then stand over there against the wall" said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "No, I don't Father". The priest said "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now".
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't." "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels." She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
THE GUNFIGHTER A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... ‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked. The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' 'Sure will ' The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all...' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man... 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.'
A Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ... "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow. Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing. Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on. The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away. She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden......... Frank, the Tesco door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.
Out backpacking in Australia, I got stuck in a small outback town waiting for a bus. So I thought I'd kill time by getting a beer and some grub in the local watering hole. As soon as I walked in, I was greeted by a bunch of questioning faces Then somebody said, "hope you're not a bloody pervert, coz we hate perverts in our town, see!" I just said, "no, I'm not, I'm just waiting for my bus." This seemed to calm them, so I ordered a beer and some food and sat quietly in the corner. As usual, nature called after my meal, so I asked, "where is the toilet?" The barman said, "the dunny is out the back. And don't make a f*****g mess!" Well, when I got outside I was stunned to see two huge piles of festering crap. The first one about six foot high, the second about four feet. So, almost gagging, I climbed up the smaller of the two piles and started to curl one out. No sooner had I started, when one of the guys runs out kicks the s**t out of me and said, "I knew you were a bloody pervert, you dirty bastard, you were in the f*****g ladies!"
I've always wondered what it would be like to be someone of an ethnic minority and living in England. How I would feel getting funny looks and snidy racist remarks, just because of the colour of my skin. Well, as a white man having travelled through the Alum Rock area of Birmingham yesterday, now I f****g know.
