(Answer the following questions a, b, or c. Tot up your score at the end to see how you did) 1) You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?a. Leave a tearful note on the kitchen table and slip away in the night. b. Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss the reasons for your decision. c. Attack him with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering, pumped-up trailer-trash vermin, on national television. 2) You are visiting Egypt and are concerned over the recent terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. What do you wear to remain inconspicuous? a. A tee-shirt and a pair of jeans. b. A Demis Rousoss tent dress, fez, a false beard and sunglasses. c. A high-rise baseball cap, trainers with knee-length socks, an horrendous flowery shirt, Eric Morecambe shorts and 8 cameras. 3) You are the political leader of your country. An interviewer asks you a question on foreign affairs. how do you respond? a. Knowledgeably, addressing the issues and answering all the points. b. As best you can, deftly steering the conversation round towards topics on which you are better qualified to speak. c. Stand there grinning gormlessly, then throw up on the Chinese prime minister, before going home and getting sucked off by a fat-titted intern. 4) You fancy a night in watching something funny on the telly. What kind of comedy show do you choose?a. A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted. b. A sketch show like The Fast Show or Smack The Pony. c. A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor delivers a lightweight wisecrack. 5) Your fourteen-year-old son is going through a difficult phase. He is becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?a. Don't worry. It's just a phase he is going through. You were the same at his age. b. Encourage him to get out and about more. Perhaps join a youth club or get involved in some team games. c. Take him to the local supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to kill a small town. 6) Where are you most likely to find your local copper? a. Outside his police house in the village, mending a puncture on his bicycle. b. Asleep in his patrol car on a motorway flyover. c. On his yacht, wearing a pastel suit with the sleeves rolled up, feeding his pet crocodile. 7) You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take? a. A ball. b. A ball and two coats. c. A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheer leaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?a. Shout and swear a little, after all it did hurt and you didn't have your slippers on at the time. b. Make a mental note to move the table as soon as possible to prevent it happening again. c. Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation and sue your wife's ass. 9) You are driving along a country road one day when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do? a. Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it's still alive. b. Carry on driving, but hope that it's still alive, or if not that it died quickly. c. Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering and whooping, throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window. 10) You wake up one morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?a. Ignore it, it will probably loosen up as the day goes on. b. Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things. c. Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted televangelist faith-healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your forehead, whilst screaming about the Devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds. 11) What do you have for breakfast? a. A bowl of corn-flakes, a slice of toast and a mug of tea. b. A glass of orange juice, a croissant and a cup of black coffee. c. a bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny- side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, a dozen waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer. 12) What sort of car do you drive? a. A small economical runabout. b. A medium sized family saloon. c. A forty-foot long chromium-plated jukebox that does 1 mile to the gallon. 13) You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?a. A quiet little do with a few friends in a registry office. b. A church service followed by a traditional reception in a fancy hotel. c. A minute-long mockery at a 24 hour drive-thru chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis. How did you "Yankee Doodle Do"? Mostly a's:- You are in no way American. You probably still spell colour with a "u" and call your trousers "trousers". try wearing a baseball cap and driving on the wrong side of the road a little. Mostly b's:- Good try, but no kewpie doll. You're halfway there, but you could still do better. Why not put a little white fence around your garden and ask the postman to put your letters in a bread-bin on a stick. Mostly c's:- Well hot-diggety, you're as American as Uncle Sam with sassafras on rye. You were born on the 4th of July and you've got Mom's apple pie and napalm coming out the buns of your ass. Take the fifth and have a nice ****ing day y'all.
Only 3 things put me off emigrating to the USofA; 1) Soccerball still hasn't really caught on. 2) No Health Service. If you get sick you'd have to sell a kidney to pay for medical care. 3) Too many of the c***s think they're Irish. I can make allowances for people born in Ireland, but can't abide the sort of knobheads who sing rebel songs when drunk, just because their granny had an affair with a sailor from Killarney. Other than that though, cool country. I love the way the cops are so polite even when they're about to shoot you..."Sir, please get out of the car and lie face down on the tarmac!!!"
