Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley. Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show....... My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of âDon't worry babe, your t*ts cover itâ wasn't the answer she was looking for. A Scouser went to court accused of having intercourse with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a Scouser put anything into a kitty ! A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore asre. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "Nah then, does tha' sell arse cream ?" The shopkeeper replies : " Aye lad we do, does tha' want Magnum or Cornetto ?" My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said : "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help." So I sent her a timetable. I can't stop thinking about prisons ................... my mind works in strangeways. I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it ? Does he hell !
A bloke goes to the doctor's and tells him that he can't pronounce the letters f, t and h. The doctor says "well you can't say fairer than that."
