Following the previous outbreak of riot threads across the not606 nation in the previous 24 hours the cleaning-up operation began today. Sandal-wearing incense burners joined with kneejerk reactionary Mail readers to condemn the rampant political debating that went on unchecked. Discussions on what was to blame were initiated by MPs disgusted that their holidays had been cut short and lamenting the fact that cabin crews weren't on strike, allowing them an opportunity to blame the unions for something else while remaining on holiday. It's hoped emergency EasyJet fares to ge them back here to man water cannons will be covered by expenses. Suspending cuts to the mod service is said to have been proposed, as authorities struggled to contain the debating, thoigh some commentators suggested massive cuts to youth debating programs might've provoked the discontent in the first place. Board community leaders were keen to emphasise that just because the debaters are football fans, that dosn't mean they want the same strong arm of the water-cannined law applied to standing at football matches. Marauding debate will not spill over onto the terraces, they assured a concerned populace. Forum officials refused to call for a crackdown on all contentious subjects and promised that as long as football's on the agenda, then so are politics and religion. Celtic and Rangers fans grunted and scraped their knuckles in approval on the General Chat board. It's not all bad news. The Independent reports the sight of a bunch of stupid young men running around like idiots and shaming the nation will be avoided as the England-Holland game has been cancelled.
On a serious note, Parliament has confirmed that MP's being recalled will be allowed to be reimbursed for their curtailed holidays. On a brilliant note, England put India in to bowl and have the tourists reduced to 75-4 at lunch with 2 wickets each going to Broad & Bresnan.
Policing seems to work HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night. The bold experiment in public order was declared a success after thugs and looters realised there were 16,000 heavily armoured professionals, each carrying a big ****-off stick with their name on it. The government may now extend 'policing' beyond Royal weddings, the Cheltenham Festival and the fat, jolly, middle-aged one who stands outside 10 Downing Street and hands petitions to the person who then puts them in the bin. Home secretary Theresa May said: "We should not jump to conclusions. We need to study the results of last night's experiment to make sure that we do not begin policing Britain's streets by mistake. "Were the rioters a bit tired after three nights of unmolested chaos? Was there anything particularly good on the television? I, for instance, was watching The Mentalist." Suddenly-introverted rioter Martin Bishop said: "I decided that, on balance, I did not want to be shot in the chest with a plastic bullet. Perhaps if I believed in something, or had some kind of grievance, then maybe. But for the time being I would prefer to remain indoors." However there were disturbances in parts of Britain that don't matter. Roy Hobbs, assistant chief constable of West Midlands Police, said something unimportant and reading it would only be a waste of your valuable time. And Gloucester now faces a 7pm curfew for the next 18 months amid fears that an invitation to an engagement party in Winchcombe may have been set on fire deliberately. But the country's sombre mood has been boosted as Labour leader Ed Miliband cut short his Amnesty International-approved holiday and offered to help the police investigation with his bionic nose. He said: "I stand ready and able to sniff out guilt, simmering resentment or a hot Wii." Miliband insisted he would not make political capital out of the riots but said it would never have happened under a Labour government because until May last year inner-city youths were all exactly the same as Billy Elliot. Meanwhile, in Manchester, debate continues over whether the city had experienced serious social unrest or a Tuesday.
Myself, along with the other 2 chiefs of police: Bow4fowler and Bozz, can assure all the posters on the Liverpool board that we don't give a ****, and we're going to do nothing about it. Thankyou.
please log in to view this image A Wigan fan attempts to prevent Premier League officials calling off this week's fixtures.
please log in to view this image Underfunded police unsuccesfully attempted to prevent Capitalist bankers wiping £120bn from the pensions of hard-working British people, who were too busy cowering behind sofas to notice they'd been mugged by bankers yet again. A spokesman for Capitalism would only comment, "Bonuses all round for a good day's work, darling!"
