Chuckles

The Vatican has revealed that Jimmy Saville was only two sexual assaults away from getting his own Parish.
I don't care if vodka has gone up to £25 a bottle. I'm still gonna party like its £19.99.
The only bird left in the club at the end of the night was so fat and ugly I had to put the rohypnol in my own drink.
Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down 40 trees in an hour.
Paddy sets to work but only cuts 10 in the hour. So he takes it back to the shop.
He says to the shop owner 'Dis doesn't cut 40 trees an hour, I've only done 10!
With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw.
Paddy looks at him and says 'bloody' hell what's that noise?

You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks:
if she sways her hips from side to side she is good in bed
if she takes small steps she is unadventurous and
if she is tiptoeing away from you she has your credit card.
Just got back from a friend’s funeral who drowned last week.
I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a life jacket.
But as i told everyone. "It’s what he would have wanted!"
Went out shopping with the wife earlier and costa were offering a free coffee to anyone with a moustache in November - she's a jammy bitch !!!

While on holiday abroad, I saw a car parked up with a sticker saying: I MISS LIVERPOOL'.
So I smashed the window, stole the radio and left a note saying 'I hope this helps!!'.....

Got a phone call at work the other day. It was Eric my neighbour. He said 'i don't know how to tell you this, its your wife.
She's hung herself on your washing line.
Through my tears I said 'do me a favour mate, if it rains bring her in'

I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!"
We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I don't find that funny.
My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit."
I said "I'm ever so sorry mate, did he drown?"
"No" he said "he choked on a sock"

So Kate Middleton is pregnant .....thought it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having kids !!

 

Shite.

 

Toiler 'Nick Nick' Manning.

Liked the vodka one best.

 

I thought some of them were quite funny - cheers ER!

 

People in Edinburgh dont have a sense of humour Dan.

Its all the crack cocaine.

 

and buggery

 

Some excellent cut and pasting there ER, keep up the good work.

 

He is a constant source of knowledge and entertainment

I can't get enough of his insightful threads about Andy Murray.