*Arsene is in his office. It's transfer deadline day and he's not looking too happy. Suddenly Cesc bursts into his office* Cesc: ARSENE!!!! *Arsene has his head in his hands* Arsene: Oooooh, no, no dear me...... Cesc: ARSENE!! Listen! Hey, what's wrong!? *Arsene lifts his head up* Arsene: Oh Samir! Cesc: Samir!? What are you talking about? Arsene: My poor Samir, I shouldn't have played him. *Cesc comes over and slaps Arsene on the face* Cesc: You have to forget about Samir for today! *Arsene composes himself* Arsene: You're right Cesc, I can't wallow. Today is a brand new day!! Cesc: Yes! And you know what today is don't you! Arsene: ........Monday? Cesc: Yes! But what's special about today? Arsene: .........is it the bin day? Cesc: NO! Today is the transfer deadline day! Who do you have coming up today? You must make a signing! A defender! Arsene: THAT'S TODAY!?!?!? Cesc: YES!!!! Arsene: HOLY JESUS!!! I completely forgot! Oh my! Oh my days! Oh dear! *Arsene starts lifting papers and pulling open drawers* Cesc: So who's coming in for a medical today? *Arsene is sweating* Cesc: Arsene? Is anyone coming? Arsene: Ummmmmm.....errr....... Cesc: Samba? Cahill? Anyone!!?? Arsene: Oh my! I need to make some calls! I've been too complacent Cesc. Cesc: IS NO ONE COMING!!!??? Arsene: WAIT!!!! *Arsene goes through his papers and pulls out something* Arsene: YES!!! Cesc: What!? Who's coming? Arsene: What? No, it's not that. I've found Blackburn Rovers's number. I can ring them now about this Sambo guy. Cesc: Samba. Arsene: What? No Cesc, I am in no mood to dance thankyou. Cesc: NO! His name is Samba, not Sambo. Arsene: Yes, sorry, I'm not with it today Cesc. OK, hand me the phone. *Cesc hands over the phone, Arsene starts to dial* Arsene: It's ringing!! *************************** Arsene: Hello? Is this Blackburn Rovers? *************************** Arsene: Yes, this is Arsene Wenger of Arsenal. I would like to talk to a Mr Sam Allardyce please. *************************** Arsene: What? Have I got the right number? *Cesc is waving his arms up and down, shaking his head* Arsene: Right, well, I'm sorry, must have got the wrong number, goodbye. *Arsene puts down the phone* Arsene: He wasn't there apparently. Cesc: NO! Sam Allardyce is not the manager anymore, it's a new guy called Steve Kean. *Arsene takes the phone and rings again* Arsene: Yes, hello, it's Arsene of Arsenal again. Can I please speak to a Mr Steve..... Cesc: KEAN!!! Arsene: Steve Kean, yes Mr Steve Kean please. ************************* Arsene: Oh this is Mr Kean! Sorry hello! Yes, I would like to make an enquiry about one of your players. A Mr Chris Samba. ************************* Arsene: What am I offering? *Arsene puts his hand over the mouth piece* Arsene: Cesc, now you will see the master of negotiation in action. *Arsene winks at Cesc and continues talking on the phone* Arsene: My offer is.............. ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã2,000 plus Vine Street, plus Old Kent Road and the Waterworks....... ************************* Arsene: Yes these are Monopoly Streets. What's the problem? ************************* Arsene: Real money!? You want real money!? Hang on....... *Arsene holds the phone and talks to Cesc. Cesc looks cross* Arsene: Cesc, he wants real money. Cesc: OF COURSE HE DOES YOU MAD FOOL!!!! WHAT THE JESUS ARE YOU THINKING OF? Arsene: Get the piggy bank. *Cesc goes over to the shelf and takes down the piggy bank* Arsene: Empty it on the desk. Yes, sorry Mr Kean, hang on! I'm speaking to my assistant here, bear with me........ *Cesc empties out the piggy bank on the desk and counts it all up* Cesc: Is this all we have Arsene? Arsene: How much is there? Cesc: ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã2.39 Arsene: Hmmmmmmmmm......no, no that's not going to be enough, hang on! Mr Kean are you still there!? ********************* Arsene: I have another offer for you. It's ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã2.39 pluuuuuus..... *Arsene is rummaging around his desk but can find nothing* Arsene: Pluuuuuus.......plus a meal at your nearest Little Chef. My treat. ********************* Arsene: No? I must say Mr Kean you drive a hard bargain. OK, well let me see now. How about.......Pizzahut? *Cesc grabs the phone* Cesc: Sorry Mr Kean would you hang on a second. Arsene: What!? Cesc: You have to offer him more money Arsene!!!! Arsene: Don't tell me how to do business Cesc! Give me back the phone! *Arsene has the phone back and continues talking to Steve Kean* Arsene: Now Mr Kean, I assume you want more money, am I right in this assumption? ********************* Arsene: An exchange you say? *Cesc goes to the wall and takes down a photo of Manuel Almunia, he waves the photo in front of Arsene* Arsene: Mr Kean. I would like to offer you ÃÆââ¬Å¡Ãâã2.39 and a crisp A4 photo of Manuel Almunia.
Excellent as ever Lady! Cesc: Samba. Arsene: What? No Cesc, I am in no mood to dance thankyou. Quality!
