TOOK MY WIFE TO DOCS TO SORT OUT HER TOURETES. TURNS OUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE TOURETES. I AM A TWAT AND SHE DOES WANT ME TO **** OFF HAD TO DUMP MY COCK EYED GIRLFRIEND SEEMS SHE WAS SEEING SOMEONE ON THE SIDE BOUGHT A NICE PAIR OF TORTOISE SHELL SHOES ON FRIDAY. ONLY JUST GOT HOME KIDS TAKING PISS OUT OF MY ALZHEIMERS WAIT TILL THEY WAKE UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING TO FIND NO EGGS UNDER THE BONFIRE Kids. You can't beat them. What's the point of having them. How do you get a fat girl into bed. Piece of cake. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related... Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.... I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency... Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69 My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse. I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great. She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating. Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!" A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!" The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. They said they were delicious! My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out! I've found that if you massage the clitoris with your thumb, while gently easing your index and middle fingers into the vagina... You get sacked from your job as a gynaecologist. I've just found out my neighbours' thirteen year old daughter is very musical. Like a harp. Highly strung and ****ing difficult to get into a car. I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me. "How could you?!" she screamed. "How ****ing could you?! You've ****ed my sister you bastard!" "I'm sorry," I confessed. "I got to work and she was lying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?" "The ****ing autopsy," she cried. If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone. In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa . I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name. There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets You can say lots of bad things about ****philes but at least they drive slowly past schools. A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache" Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !! Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.â
5* From me MW all for the one joke I hadn't seen before. "Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!" ****ing mint!
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the InlandRevenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
