After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland. Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!" The rescuers shouted "Where are you?" Paddy shouts "I'm in room 236."
So the Movember Moustache will finally be shaven off at midnight thank god. I'm so happy, my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.
I asked my friend, "What part of America is your wife from?" He said, "Alaska." I said, "I thought you'd know!"
Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge. Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings. Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and ****s her senseless. He stands back and tells Justin "your turn"! Justin burst out into tears. "Whats wrong? Asks Usher. Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings"
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says 'and thats all is it?' Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
Paddy set Murphy up on a blind date. Paddy says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby". Next day Paddy asked Murphy how he went on. "Alright" said Murphy, "apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy"
I take no credit for this one, lifted from the "cheese porn" thread on LFW....... Reminds me of the old story about the man who goes to his doctor very embarrassed because his old chap has turned bright orange. They run exhaustive tests and the doctor says they can't find anything wrong with him. "What are your hobbies?" he asks eventually. "Well I don't do much really" says the patient, "Just sit at home watching porn and eating Wotsits"
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two policemen there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the policemen asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The policeman then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The bloke says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The copper then says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The bloke replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”
A man and a woman get married and are on there honeymoon. The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says take off your robe were married now. The woman says ok and takes off her robe. Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and she asks why and the man says "So I can carry you with me." A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe. The woman says take off your robe were married now. The man says ok and takes off his robe. The woman asks if she can take a picture and the man asks why and the woman says........"So I can have it enlarged!"
*********POLITE NOTICE ********** To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue on their houses/trees, can you please remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the police and I have to let my foot off the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Smirnoff , swallow my joint and hide my gun. Thank you for your understanding.
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard!
A Liverpool fan walks into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a small break away in England for the Christmas period, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year."
