Trump and the Pope Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise. It was a rather windy day. The Pope's little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water. A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto. Trump told the crewman not to bother. Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope. The Pope and the press corps were amazed! Donald Trump could actually walk on water! Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world. The next morning the New York Times headline read .. . . . DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!!!
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my arse still hurts."
I've just bought a Jehovah's Witness Advent Calendar for Christmas. But every time I open a Door on it, Someone tells me to F*ck Off .
An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume. The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!" Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says "Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!" About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator, but before she leaves,she looks at both women in the eye,bends over Farts and says "Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the side walk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. ' 2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?' 1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!' 2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!' 1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?' 2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!' 3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yerwifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fersome change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.' 1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?' 3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick.’
A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out. Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too fu*king old to squat."
I saw an ex-girlfriend in town earlier and we had a really nice chat. As we said bye to one another I gave her a hug and she smiled. "You've changed," she said, "You seem so much more mature now." I'd love to see her face when she finds the "I suck cock" note I stuck on her back.
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. 'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and ALL of Washington DC.
2016: Trump elected. 2018: Border wall completed. 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver and Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics.
Was shagging this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day....
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?" "Aww, darn!" says his friend, "and I just joined Rotary!"
Teacher says to the class.."Tell me a word beginning with "A". Billy says "Arse"...He gets told off by the teacher. Then she asks for a word beginning with "B"...Jenny says "Bollocks"...Again, she gets told off. The teacher decides to leave out "C" for obvious reasons and asks for a word beginning with "D"...Johnny. calls out "Dwarf". The teacher congratulates him and asks what a Dwarf is. Johnny replies "A short arsed cu*t with massive bollocks and a cock that touches the floor"!
At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised. During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
I've just received a letter saying that my Grandad has left me a very Expensive Antique Watch in his Will. I Hope It's Not a Wind Up...
Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow. "Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks?" Paddy replied.
