My friend telephoned the local zoo. He was told that his call would be recorded for training porpoises......
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
I've just pulled up on the drive to see a thieving bastard run out of our back door & jump the fence. The wife must have put up a good fight though, as she was naked, drenched in sweat & could hardly walk.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. " "Is that you, Joe?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said "OK, I give up. Where's the fu*king ship?"
Christmas day is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn £400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free". The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you... I want to see how you survive on £400 a year!!"
A travelling salesman was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out" said the traveller "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality". The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie" shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality". The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal. Jeannie girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now" said the Highlander "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality". No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath. "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality" he roared "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor".
Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog sh!t. One suggests to the other: “Do you want to hear a really good joke?” The other fly replies: “But nothing disgusting like last time, I’m trying to eat here!”
At a first date: He: “I work with animals every day!” She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?” He: “I’m a butcher.”
Around 50% of our youth sees the future in a positive way. The other half doesn't have the money to buy the drugs.
I'm sick of Christmas already; I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat ****er with the beard gets all the credit... Still, it's my own fault for marrying her....
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the side walk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
An old lady got on an elevator in a very lavish building,when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume. The woman turns to the old woman and arrogantly says "Romance by Ralph Lauren $150.00 an ounce!" Then another young woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly says "Chanel#5 $200.00 an ounce!" About 3 floors later,the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator, but before she leaves,she looks at both women in the eye,bends over Farts and says "Broccoli 49 cents a pound!"
