Friends who are thick.

I'm sure we have plenty but one of mine really cracked me up last night.

I drove to the bookies and as I got out the car I seen one of my mates come out of a shop across the road.

He shouted over to me, 'Awrite, is that you away to the betting shop again?'

Betting shop I have no idea why that cracked me up so much but it did.

Any more?

 

The guy who is one here gazzasnotmad, I went into his house once and he meant to ask me "Do you want a glass of milk and some bread & butter" but he said "Bread and butter, milk?"

**** knows how it came out as that but I was laughing for ages.

 

That cracked you up?!

You're a ****in ****** Muir

 

Thanks. I thought I was a ****** too after I backed Milan to beat Man Utd

 

I also stayed in the halls at uni with a lassie who we sent to the maintenance guy for a "Long Stand" The **** said "no bother" and went and made himself a cup of tea upstairs.

 

loads a folk call it the bettin shop muir

not me tho

 

Forgot about the guy on here that they sent to the stores for a "Left-handed Spanner"

Poor wee ****.

 

Heard the next door neighbour & a pal of mine outside the house saturday morning talking about the neighbours kids.

He has 2 daughters (toddlers) with this 30+ year old woman who's got another daughter aged about 16 who also has a toddler.

I could hear my mate Penguin go "Must be mad your girls living with Donna's kids baby & 2 of them being in the same class at School.....your kids are like the other babies grandkids or something aren't they?" The next door neighbour said "Yeah....er....no they're like cousins or sommat"

 

Ma mate was workin as an apprentice joiner and the gaffer sent him to the 'container' to get a nail gun, he comes back n says 'they've no got one' the gaffer is puzzled. 'wit?' 'they've no got one' 'who husny?' 'the wuman in the canteen' ****in classic the only reason i found out is cos ma other mate works for the same company. Took it tight for that one

 

One of the funniest moments I have ever experienced was on the golf course and me and one of my mates were on the 18th tee.

He comes from possibly the most dis-functional family in the world. They are all ****ing psychos. He seen his dad in a group of 4 on the 6th hole which is roughly 180 yards away. He pulled out a 7 iron and whacked a ball over in there general direction. He hit possibly the most accurate shot of his life and he scudded his dad on the shoulder with the ball

His dad started coming towards him and we started running down the 18th and all he was saying was, 'aw naw, aw naw, aw naw'

 

Was talking about films with my pal one time and he's trying to explain the plot of the film "Being John Malkovich" to me. He can't remember the name and is trying to explain what film he is on about after five minutes or so he lights up and goes to me "Being Erin Brokovich, that's the one"

****ing idiot.

 

great hit with a 7 iron - 165yd to 170yd would be my limit

 

a seven iron 180 yards!!!

 

My mate that came to Thailand with me last time is a severe ******. He just cant grasp simple tasks like going to the beach and kept asking me the same questions about trivial things over there. Should have seen the **** on his moped, crashed it 5 times

I'm certain he was getting involved with some ching, he was very friendly with the local drug dealer and there's no other way to explain his ***** behaviour.

Remember seeing him walking down the hill at Kata, complete with confused look, monobrow and ****e manbag and thinking to myself; there he is, the only ****ing tourist here thats thicker than the tuk tuk drivers.

 

Tiger Woods can hit an 8 iron about 200 yards can he no?

 

Aye but tiger woods is the best golf player ever

 

We were on holiday in Crete and my wee mate gets stung opn the sole of his heel area by a ****in Sea Anemone.
Well this Dutch I had been chatting too tells him he should put his urine on it as this helps cure the sting it leaves behind.
The daft **** goes to the bog at the beachside bar, and rather than pish in a glass or a bottle and then pour it over the sting, he pulls his leg up, gets the boaby out and tries to pee directly onto the affected area while standing on one leg. The crazy bastard slips, **** his head on the wall tiles and smashes the bog seat off the pan. ****in hilarious, blood from his napper everywhere. And to top it off I pumped the Dutch bird

 

Seemingly he's some ride too

 

About 12 of us went to Magaluf about 7/8 years ago. I felt like I was taking a special needs group on a ****ing trip!!! Some of my mates call me Rodney as I was the only **** with a GCSE between a group of about 50 of us!!!

The next door neighbour (see above) was probably the worst victim. After about 3 days he had about £2 left & was saying how starving he was........5 minutes later I turn round & he's pumped his late bit of money in some driving game in the arcade

Somebody lent him another £100 & that didn't last long as he had no money to pay some ho for a blow job he'd got so had to giver her the chain his nan had given him He managed to get it back the next day though I refused to hear how he managed to do it as his knuckles were very red & he was bouncing on the spot with adrenaline!!!

All the bars had them punching machines & he was determined to beat another mate who held the record points. I advised as a joke he should kick the bag as your leg muscles are stronger & shuld produce more power...........****ing bellend did a running kick at it, slipped, hit the metal bar holding the bag & broke his ankle