These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. âWhen you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.â âH2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold waterâ âTo collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tubeâ âWhen you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxideâ âNitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free stateâ âWater is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.â âThree kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.â âBlood flows down one leg and up the other.â âRespiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.â âThe moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.â âArtifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.â âDew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.â âA super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.â âMushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.â âThe body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five â a, e, i, o, and u.â âThe pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.â âThe alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.â âThe skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.â âA permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.â âThe tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.â âA fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.â âMany women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.â âEquator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.â âGerminate: To become a naturalized German.â âLiter: A nest of young puppies.â âMagnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.â âMomentum: What you give a person when they are going away.â âPlanet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.â âRhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.â âVacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.â âBefore giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.â âTo remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.â âFor a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.â âFor drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.â âFor fainting: Rub the personâs chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.â âFor dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.â âFor asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.â âTo prevent contraception: wear a condominium.â âFor head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.â âTo keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.â
Woman walks past a building site and one builder says to another, "I'd give her one", she hears him and shouts at him, "men like you disgust me, what makes you think I'd ever have sex with you?" The builder replies,"Sex, what the **** are you on about, I was marking you out of 10 you ugly bitch!"
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license's of bald men? 15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. 19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
The other day I was waiting at the traffic lights when a mini-bus full of scummers pulled up next to me.Suddenly, an 18-wheeler ploughed into the mini-bus. I thought to myself "Woah, that could've been me."So, this morning I went and appllied for a HGV license.
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]BAILING OUT THE IRISH - SIMPLE [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a â¬100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the â¬100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the â¬100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The pig farmer takes the â¬100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the â¬100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the â¬100 note. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The hotel proprietor then places the â¬100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the â¬100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]And that is how the bailout package works. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Holy Humour [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The son replied, "I do know!" [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' [/FONT]
Are you a Cardiff City fan Feel depressed Down in the dumps Then call the F.A.W helpline on 0800 101010 Thats 0800 Won nothing Won nothing Won nothing !
Man meets woman in bar & buys her a drink. He keeps looking at his watch, she asks why. He says "It's a new dating watch, it's giving me information about you." "What does it say?" she asks. "It says you have no knickers on." "It's wrong!" she says. "I know, he replies, it's an hour fast.
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]There are only nine questions. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]This is a quiz for people who know everything! [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]I found out in a hurry that I didn't. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]These are not trick questions. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]They are straight questions with straight answers.. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Can you name at least half of them? [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.' [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Answers To Quiz: [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]1... The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls . [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif](The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.) [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle... [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. [/FONT]
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
scottish bloke in a bar in Canada, after a few whiskeys he notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall,he asks the barman "wat the **** is that?" The barman says "its a moose" The scotts bloke says,"**** me how big are the cats around here ?"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." ------------------------------------------ [/FONT]A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
terrible, I hope cameron gets the snatch squad in for him, this wilful destruction has no place in a civilised world!
They've just arrested a hoody in liverpool riding a moped with a 50in telly on the Front when questioned the hoody claimed it was his sat nav
Riots have hit cardiff where a. Mob hit the lego city stadium,looters escaped with unused silver polish ,pack of dusters+£8.25 transfer kitty. Rioters have now broken in2 the lego City Stadium again and ransacked it. The chairman states that all the cups are safe as they didnt go near the kitchen.
