The EU debate - Part III

Labour MPs resort to dirty tricks to keep Corbyn out of his seat
http://newsthump.com/2016/08/25/labour-mps-resort-to-dirty-tricks-to-keep-corbyn-out-of-his-seat/

Labour MPs have unveiled their latest scheme to unseat Jeremy Corbyn by putting Virgin Trains reserved tickets on the opposition benches at Westminster.

The Parliamentary Party, who fear Corbyn will lead the party to a catastrophic defeat at the next election, plan to prevent him taking a seat in the Commons by making it look like they’re all taken.

Corbyn is expected to walk up and down and up and down the House looking for somewhere he can sit next to John McDonnell before going and plonking himself down in the lobby and reading Private Eye.

The party plan to leave one empty unreserved seat next to Tim Farron, because nobody wants to sit next to him anyway.

“Once Jeremy has given up looking for somewhere to sit down, then Owen Smith can grab the seat five seconds after Prime Ministers Questions have started,” said backbencher Simon Williams.

“The only risk is that SNP MPs are smart enough to know you can sit in a reserved seat if it’s not taken, and might just rush the front bench.

“So we’ve planned against that by asking the House of Commons bar to get in extra Buckfast and Mars Bars.”

If this ruse doesn’t work, senior figures in the Labour Party are considering offering Corbyn a free upgrade to the House of Lords where he can get free coffee and wifi – although George Osborne has eagerly offered to take it if Corbyn doesn’t want it.

 

Virgin trains to have more seats than Labour by 2020
http://newsthump.com/2016/08/23/virgin-trains-to-have-more-seats-than-labour-by-2020/

Virgin Rail has confirmed it will have more seats than the Labour Party by the end of the decade.

After being criticised by the Labour leader for running ‘ram-packed’ services, Virgin supremo Richard Branson dismissed the complaints and pledged that his train company will have plenty more seats than the opposition party in pretty short order.

“You can take that whichever way you like,” he added.

“But either way, I think we can be sure that Jeremy Corbyn won’t have one of them,” he added.

The Labour Party currently has 258 seats, and when asked how Virgin will ensure they have more seats than them, Branson simply replied ‘Wait’.

The Labour leader had been filmed sitting on the floor of a train to make a point about overcrowding on the rail network, but Virgin have rebutted the claim insisting that the train had plenty of available seats and described the move as a ‘publicity stunt’.

Corbyn has pledged to make trains both cheaper and emptier, and followers insist this is perfectly possible in the same manner that he made five loaves and two small fish feed five thousand hungry people.

A Virgin spokesman told us that when it comes to making promises about trains everyone knows can’t be kept, Jeremy Corbyn makes them look like a bunch of amateurs.

“Don’t forget”, they added. “For £25 you can reserve your place up to three months in advance, which is a better deal than you get with Labour membership.”

 

Jeremy Corbyn to be told about the North
http://newsthump.com/2016/08/09/jeremy-corbyn-to-be-told-about-the-north/

Sooner or later someone is going to have to tell Jeremy Corbyn and his team about places that aren’t Islington, experts have warned.

Senior political analysts are working round the clock to come up with ways to inform the Labour leader that places exist where broccoli and quinoa aren’t major dietary choices, and there are pubs that sell beer and not hand-brewed artisan hop-based ale.

Strategies this far suggested include playing Dvorak’s New World Symphony and leaving packets of Yorkshire Tea in Labour Party offices to break him in gently.

Initial tests on figures close to Corbyn resulted in a close aide having an attack of the vapours and needing a sit down after the word ‘Barnsley’ was mentioned.

“We’ve got something to work with”, we were told.

“We’re confident that Jeremy has heard of Liverpool, which is a start, and he occasionally mentions ‘the miners’ and ‘Thatcher’ which gives us hope that he’s at least vaguely aware there is a ‘north’ as a general concept.

“Although we’ve no idea how we’re going to convince him it’s not still 1985 there.”

Reports from the North indicate that Labour faces an uphill struggle, as people in places as diverse as Sunderland, Dundee and Blackburn remain inexplicably uninterested in an ongoing ideological purity contest taking place amongst London-based latte-supping Internet Marxists, and had instead just decided to get on with their lives.

Sources close to the Labour leader declared the North to be a secondary matter, as Israel is much more important.

 

48% of Brits secretly hoping the economy will turn to ****
http://newsthump.com/2016/08/05/48-of-brits-secretly-hoping-the-economy-will-turn-to-****/

A survey has revealed that 48% of Brits would prefer to see years of recession and economic turmoil rather an upturn in fortunes so they can say ‘told you so’ to people who voted for Brexit.

Bank of England Governor Mark Carney explained, “It was one thing for the country to make such a stupid ****ing decision in the face of such overwhelming expert evidence, but it would be another thing entirely for them to be proved right.

“So far, so good.”

In the build up to the referendum economic experts warned of catastrophic repercussions if the country voted to leave the EU.

However, this advice was vehemently rebuffed by the Leave camp, particularly Michael Gove who warned that “the only experts anyone should really listen to are the ones who advise you on the best way to advance your political career.”

To date, the vast majority of expert predictions appear to have been proved right as the UK economy braces itself for economic slowdown, and the Bank of England has also cut interest rates. Sterling is at a record low against the Dollar and Euro and huge sums are being wiped off the value of British companies.

“We ****ing told you this would happen you bunch of bloody twats,” said Dave Cantello, a particularly smug and sanctimonious liberal standing outside a coffee emporium/shoe repair shop in Stoke Newington.

“I was listening to the radio with glee when they announced that manufacturing output and purchase intent had fallen sharply. I mean, I don’t really know what that means, but I still knew it would happen.

“And it puts me another day closer to delivering the biggest ‘I told you so’ ever seen in these parts. It’s going to be glorious.

“Of course, when I then heard later in the afternoon that the FTSE 100 had recovered, I nearly shat myself.

“But thankfully a Guardian podcast told me things have continued to get worse which is a massive relief, obviously.”

 

LOLZY

Now it has gone from knowing exactly who I am, to maybe one of 3 people, to one of the whole middle management, to "I haven't got a clue".

You really are a dumb ****, but not as dumb as those two twats (tourettes tobes and the geriatric paddling pool wannabe) who are so desperate to be accepted by their hero that they will swallow anything you spout at them.

Keep guessing sonny boy.

ITK

 

Jeremy Corbyn announces plan to hope everything sorts itself out
http://newsthump.com/2016/07/29/jeremy-corbyn-announces-plan-to-hope-everything-sorts-itself-out/

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has laid out plans for a new initiative to hope that everything sorts itself out.

“The country finds itself in the direst of straits; impending Brexit, a right wing Tory Government, financial ruin,” said Mr Corbyn yesterday to a gathering of his disciples.

“So what the Labour party needs is a bold, visionary plan based on the good solid principles of hoping everything sorts itself out.”

Mr Corbyn promised that he, personally, will be doing everything he can to hope that everything sorts itself across all sections of society.

“There are places that have been left behind; inner-city estates crippled by high unemployment, towns decimated by the post-industrial malaise, rural communities that are simply dying off.

“I will personally visit all these places to meet the real people at the heart of this issue and to hope, with them, that everything sorts itself out.

“I’ll even bring a flask of tea so that they don’t have to waste a teabag.”

Labour supporters seem energised by the plan.

“Hoping everything sorts itself out?” said Simon Williams a lifelong Labour voter.

“Well, it’s just a load of empty rhetoric that offers no practical help to anyone and shows that, yet again, the party is incapable of developing any coherent policies to oppose a Tory Government.

“But it’s still better than anything we’ve come up with in the last six years, so I’m on board.”

 

Can someone give fatty his tea. He's behaving like Matthew.

 

Labour plan annual leadership crisis after ‘wildly successful’ £25 vote sale
http://newsthump.com/2016/07/21/lab...-crisis-after-wildly-successful-25-vote-sale/

The Labour party plans to solve its funding shortfall by holding a leadership crisis every summer.

The party had been struggling for funds after running out of other people’s money as usual but was pulled out of the red after tens of thousands of people paid £25 each to take part in this year’s astonishing ****storm.

As a result of the hugely successful sale, Jeremy Corbyn has pledged to do his best to stay on as leader, lurching from crisis to crisis and ever-further alienating his colleagues so they can hold a similarly successful fundraising drive every year.

Senior figures in the party are already considering promotions including “Three votes for the price of two” at just £50, and a hot date with Gloria de Piero for whoever pays to vote the most often.

The party has already approached the BBC to find out if it would be possible to add a freephone ‘Pay ‘n’ vote now’ number to news coverage of next year’s disastrous internal conflict.

“There was huge demand for votes at £3 a go from right across the market – Greens, Socialist Workers, Senior Tories, they all wanted in on the action, so obviously market forces dictated that we put the prices up,” said Labour staffer Simon Williams.

“And demand rocketed! It was great! If we’d kept the price at £3 we might have only made 300k or half a mil, but as it is we’ve coined it in. We’d be idiots if we didn’t keep doing this.

“Well, at least until we’re annihilated by the actual electorate in 2020 anyway – but that’s years away yet.”

 

Angela Eagle’s office window stages unjustifiable and undemocratic attack on innocent brick
http://newsthump.com/2016/07/12/ang...le-and-undemocratic-attack-on-innocent-brick/

Jeremy Corbyn supporters have condemned the ‘unjustifiable attack’ on a brick by Angela Eagle’s office window today.

The window, which has protested its innocence, has been described as a lying traitor by Momentum supporters after launching itself on the harmless lump of masonry.

The brick was described as ‘just flying through the air, minding its own business’ when it was violently assaulted by the window of Eagle’s constituency office.

It is understood that the window suffered some minor damage during the altercation, which brick allies describe as totally justified and no more than it deserved.

“This is the sort of behaviour that people who don’t support Jeremy Corbyn engage in,” said popular tinfoil-hat website The Canary writer Simon Williams.

“They go round attacking bricks which are completely blameless and aren’t doing any harm.

“We utterly condemn this sort of violent behaviour by windows on the brick community, and demand it apologises and commits never to carry out this sort of oppressive and Blairite behaviour ever again.”

Williams went on to demand that people stop standing round complaining about “broken glass” and “calling the police”, and instead pull together for party unity.

The brick has been taken to the nearby Momentum office where it is receiving treatment for minor scuffing sustained during the attack.

When asked, the brick said it would be protesting at Hillary Benn’s office tomorrow, and it wouldn’t be at all surprised if the window there tried something similar, but it hoped to be ready to defend itself once again.

 

But you're relaxed

Got a meeting about the "Turkish" site next week. Obviously not with you as we only deal with organ grinders.

Maybe you'll pop in to bring us some tea old man?

 

His missus had to start cooking it at 11am this morning.

 

I think he's only posting between courses

 

You Peter. Just you
Edit . Only just gone on line. Seems like everybody else agrees. It wasn't me just being slow

 

Newsflash!!
Men in white coats spotted heading to SW19

 

Corbyn to Conference: "Let's have unity and accept me as leader and prepare for a general election in 2017"
Corbyn to McDonnell: The fools fell for it. There's not going to be a general election until 2020."

 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/b...k-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-a7334781.html
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/b...fakis-says-now-for-best-deal-eu-a7334616.html

Varoufakis says it's impossible to leave the EU and any damage leaving does to the EU will harm the UK.

 

LOLZY?

You're a middle aged bloke in the building trade you prize twat

 

**** me!!! He's gone batshit!....-

 

Brexit likes that.

Imagine Pete being your idol