The EU debate - Part III

Peter Saxton

 

You for describing yourself as average build.

 

First person to stop clapping Jeremy Corbyn sent to salt mines
http://newsthump.com/2016/09/28/first-person-to-stop-clapping-jeremy-corbyn-sent-to-salt-mines-2/?

 

Labour Party going tremendously well now
http://newsthump.com/2016/09/27/labour-party-going-tremendously-well-now/

Excerpt: "When asked how many Jeremy Corbyn supporters it would take to change a lightbulb, we were told that if everyone just stops complaining about the dark and gets behind the bulb, it won’t need changing."

 

Jeremy Corbyn appoints Care Bears to Shadow Cabinet
http://newsthump.com/2016/09/27/jeremy-corbyn-appoints-care-bears-to-shadow-cabinet/

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has announced that the Care Bears will form the basis of his policy team in the run up to the 2020 election.

Key members of his team such as Tax-a-lot Bear and Spend-a-lot Bear will join John McDonnell at the Treasury, with Hug-a-lot Bear being brought in to manage social policy.

Meanwhile Talks-a-lot Bear has kept her position as Shadow Minister for Health and Question Time.

Members of the previous administration such as Carpetbomb-a-lot Bear in the Shadow Defense chair have been let go in the reshuffle, although his replacement Kneecap-a-lot Bear has a lot of background thanks to his time in the IRA.

Delegates at the Labour party conference were reassured that so long as a policy gives you a warm and magical feeling in your tummy, if you wish hard enough it can come true.

Central to the new policy platform is the Caring Meter, which shows how many times people share memes or petitions to social media about caring things.

“The caring meter shows just how much people take to Facebook or Twitter to show they care, which is what 21st century democracy is all about”, said spokesman Williamsalot Bear.

Despite rumours to the contrary, BangsonaboutHitler-a-lot Bear will remain in exile for the forseeable future.

 

Labour shake-up successfully completes purge of voters from the party
http://newsthump.com/2016/09/24/lab...lly-completes-purge-of-voters-from-the-party/

The Labour Party has successfully completed a purge of a radical right-wing group calling itself ‘the electorate’ this week.

The group, composed of ‘voters’, were considered too right-wing to fit with the future direction of the party and ‘had to go’.

The party has held a year-long internal debate over the matter before concluding that the general population doesn’t share their aims and principles and under the circumstances it’s best just to part ways.

“For Labour to be a true, radical, socialist alternative then the ‘voters’ just had to go,” spokesman Simon Williams told us.

“They just keep coming back to us and we’ve had to keep driving them away again, but this time we’re confident we’re rid of them for good.

“This way we can move forward as a Party without being hindered by dissenting opinions or any chance of winning an election.

“We hope to still be friends, but really we’re not going to be inviting them to anything anytime soon.”

Supporters of leader Jeremy Corbyn have stressed that they are open to any and all opinions so long as nobody expresses them in any way ever again.

 

Owen Smith declared an unperson
http://www.not606.com/threads/the-eu-debate-part-iii.335684/page-133#post-9752525

Following the Party’s re-establishment of Jeremy Corbyn as their leader, challenger Owen Smith has been declared an unperson.

Sources from with the Party refuse to confirm whether Mr Smith has been referred to the Ministry of Love for ‘re-education’.

Simon Williams, a loyal party member who smelt fiercely of boiled cabbage expressed his relief at the fate of Mr Smith.

“I love the leader,” he said, sweating profusely.

“So I think it’s double-plus good news that this Smith chap is has been declared an unperson. I mean, you can’t just lead a revolt against Big Bro…Jeremy Corbyn and expect to get away with it.”

“Frankly, I think that torture with rats at the hands of the thought police in Miniluv is too good for him.”

A panicked look suddenly appeared in Mr Williams eyes.

“Hang on, he’s already been declared an unperson?

“Forget everything I said, I meant ‘Owen Smith? Who’s he’?

“Can I just re-iterate how much I love Jeremy Corbyn, and support the Party in all its endeavours.”

After re-emerging his suspected re-education, it is expected that Mr Smith will declare his love for Jeremy Corbyn and then spend the rest of his days in the Chestnut Tree cafe.

 

http://newsthump.com/2016/09/28/tory-conference-to-open-with-traditional-ritual-human-sacrifice/

Perhaps someone can suggest Peter just posts a link to the website rather than every story. I guess he likes them because they have the same factual integrity as his favourite newspapers

 

Is Pete having a breakdown?

 

Comrade Corbyn’s victory is doubleplusgood, announces Labour Party
http://newsthump.com/2016/09/24/comrade-corbyns-victory-is-doubleplusgood-announces-labour-party/

Comrade Corbyn’s victory is doubleplusgood and otherthinkwise is thoughtcrime, the Labour Party has confirmed.

Oldthink ideas such as Blairism are to be purged, and all goodthinker party members are to carry out a voluntary and spontaneous two-minute display of hate for unperson Tony Blair at 2pm sharp each day to help them bellyfeel IngSoc principles.

Speaking from the Shadow Ministry of Love, defeated comrade Owen Winston Smith confirmed he loves Jeremy Corbyn, although his voice was muffled by the cage of rats strapped to his head.

“Don’t do it to me, do it to Liz Kendall!”, he added.

Loyal members of the Outer Party who voted for Corbyn will receive a complimentary bottle of Victory Gin.

Disloyal members who did not will also receive a bottle, although theirs will be delivered through the window with a blazing rag stuffed in the neck.

When questioned about mandatory deselection of disloyal MPs and how they expected this sort of behaviour is going to go down with voters at a general election, a spokesman for the leader smiled and led a chant of ‘Four MPs good! Two MPs better!’

 

Theresa May ‘****ting it’ as Jeremy Corbyn puts Labour on election footing
http://newsthump.com/2016/09/21/the...eremy-corbyn-puts-labour-on-election-footing/

Downing Street has reportedly reacted with outright panic to news that Jeremy Corbyn plans to put the Labour party on an election footing.

“It’s literally chaos here,” said a Number 10 insider.

“News started to filter in around breakfast time regarding Labour’s plans and the PM visibly wilted, after a few moments she briefly steadied herself and tried to regain her composure but unfortunately had to dash to the Ladies.

“As she came out of the toilet, she just looked her Private Secretary in the face and went ‘Corbyn’s got them on an election footing? Christ, I am literally ****ting it,’ before turning and heading straight back into the loo.”

It is understood that Mr Corbyn’s plans have stopped Number 10 in its tracks, with all plans to reintroduce a massively divisive school system, sell off the NHS to the Chinese and be really nasty to immigrants put on hold until strategists work out how to cope with this new political crisis.

“A Jeremy Corbyn led Labour party on an election footing?” continued the insider.

“This is easily the biggest political challenge that we’ve faced in anyone’s lifetime. It’s bloody terrifying.”

It is currently thought that Mrs May intends to take a day to say goodbye to colleagues and then retire from politics forever rather than face the inevitable political armageddon of Labour on an election footing.

Either that or she’ll just ignore them until they collapse in another cataclysmic bout of infighting.

 

He's waiting for his tea.

 

Two members of Momentum successfully get off with each other
http://newsthump.com/2016/09/16/two-members-of-momentum-successfully-get-off-with-each-other/

Anthropologists have been left stunned as it was revealed that two members of Labour’s pro-Jeremy Corbyn campaign group Momentum got off with each other and seem to be on course to maintain a romantic relationship.

“This is a fascinating development,” said Professor of Anthropology and dull people Simon Williams.

“We simply had no idea that the sort of people who join campaign groups like Momentum or Conservative Future were capable of any sort of human emotion besides indignation.”

The two Momentum supporters, both called Ashley, are understood to have bonded through having no sense of humour and a love for the correct version of UB40.

“I know people think being in Momentum is just one sexy, glamorous life of crazy hedonism,” said Ashley.

“But in reality, we don’t find it easy to form romantic attachments.

“Apart from anything else, it’s difficult to find time to go on dates when so much time is taken up with either being earnest or expressing outrage at the mainstream media’s treatment of Jeremy Corbyn.

“But hopefully, me and Ashley will make it work. We’ve already got a date planned for the next Momentum meeting.

“Apparently there’s a speaker who’s going to talk about how brilliant Jeremy Corbyn is and then play his UB40 CD.

“We’re planning on snogging again, but hopefully in a way that highlights our belief in the new sort of politics that Jeremy represents.”

 

He's still going.

 

Jeremy Corbyn to stand in David Cameron’s constituency
http://newsthump.com/2016/09/13/jeremy-corbyn-to-stand-in-david-camerons-constituency/

Jeremy Corbyn is to stand for election in David Cameron’s vacated Witney Constituency, trusting in his incredible popularity to win him the seat.

The announcement comes in the wake of news that Corbyn’s Islington North constituency will be lost in the forthcoming boundaries shake-up, with Corbyn looking to take the fight to the Tories in the run up to victory in 2020.

Team Corbyn is reported to be ‘extremely confident’ of his chances of victory, pointing out that Jeremy has never lost an election he has contested and leads the largest political party in Europe – both of which mean the Tories don’t stand a chance.

Pointing out that until David Cameron took the seat in 2001 it was held by a Labour MP, Corbyn’s team have announced they will ‘win this thing’ and cement Jeremy’s position as the new political messiah.

“Taking advantage of Cameron’s departure like this is probably our smartest move yet,” a Labour spokesman told us, accurately.

“We’ve been saying for the last year we should unite and take the fight to the Conservatives, and what better opportunity than this?

“This is a political masterstroke; we really can’t fail this time. The next election is in the bag.”

 

The funny thing is that what I'm posting reminds me of what the looney left are saying all the time.

 

Shouldn't that be newsHump?

 

I dont think they have time to get that far
and all their passion is taken up with being upset about Brexit

 

Greek financial crisis successfully forgotten about
http://newsthump.com/2016/08/30/greek-financial-crisis-successfully-forgotten-about/

 

Annual Labour brewery piss-up in danger of cancellation
http://newsthump.com/2016/08/26/annual-labour-brewery-piss-up-in-danger-of-cancellation/

Labour’s annual brewery piss-up may have to be held round at Jeremy Corbyn’s house after they completely failed to organise it.

The event is held every year as regular as clockwork, and all that is really required is for someone to find a brewery willing to host the event and then make halfway decent plans well in advance – which the party has failed to do.

The organisation of the event was thrown into disarray after Labour described local bouncers as ‘a bunch of cocksuckers we wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire’, and then were taken by surprise when they declined the chance of working the door.

Alternative contractors have said they’ll be washing their hair that night, and that you need to book well in advance if you want to be sure.

A spokesman for the Labour party said that despite their demonstrable inability to organise their own internal piss-up in a friendly brewery, the electorate could be sure they were capable of running a first world nation efficiently and effectively.

“It’s not a problem,” said spokesman Simon Williams. “We’ll just hold the bash round at Jeremy’s house.

“It’s a lovely big left-wing house so there’ll be plenty of room for everyone. Just bring along a gluten-free vegan pasta bake and it’ll be great. See you all there!

“Oh, no drink, though. Jeremy doesn’t approve.

“Vote for us!” he added, waving an empty pint glass around.