Holiday

Back from my Spanish jaunt and the tan is already starting to fall off. So much for moisturizing.

My Trip Advisor report will go something like this;

Resort - we booked through On The Beach but the nearest beach was a cluster of volcanic rocks over a mile away. Main pool was great, slides, tubes, wave pool etc got all boxes ticked by the nippers. Villa was ok but the garden was just black volcanic dust with the odd cactus dotted about.

Food - plenty of it, some days better than others. Mexican night was the highlight. Chips everyday if nothing else took your fancy.

Entertainment - for the kids

Imagine having to listen to these about 5 times a day (no kids club vids on You Tube for Fireball but I thought the ladies dressed as schoolgirls did an admirable job)


Entertainment - for the grown-ups

The kids club entertainers did an evening show which consisted of them miming to songs in various costumes. When it came to songs from the Blues Brothers they got blacked up as Aretha Franklin and Ray Charles. I sh*t you not, full black and white minstrel golly make up.


Fanny - everywhere. Thank you.

 

I await the inevitable GC outcry.

 

Where in Spain were you, why didn't you meet me for a pint?

 

Where the **** did you stay - some sort of ***** rehab?

 

Cos you are a leper. Metaphorically speaking.

 

Not the point, always nice to meet some stranger from GC for a pint.

 

I ended up on some wind-swept island called Fuerteventura which roughly translates as "the place where it is as hot as Hades but windy enough to cool you down so that you don't notice the sunburn"

I neglected to join you for a pint because I don't drink and there is no way I would let anyone from GC ever meet me or the family in person for obvious reasons.

 

So you aren't coming on the GC golf weekend then?

 

There were all sorts of fanny on offer from a variety of countries.

French - mainly very rude and poorly mannered children, a pair of blonde twins with thick black Nana Mouskouri glasses would have given Graham Norton a hard-on.
German - lots of really tall teens in short shorts, mostly considerate and polite and surprisingly un-hairy
Russians - fat & rude. Ugly children. Only bird to go topless was a Russian with fake tay-tays
Dutch - well spoken, odd eating habits, top class minge
Spanish - packed with natives but almost all seemed to be self catering and didn't see many in the pools
English - ubiquitous football shirts and tattoos, a few decent examples of totty but mostly northern
Scottish - bright red, swearing & pished
Irish - bright red, swearing & pished

 

I played crazy golf on holiday, does that count?

 

Don't be so ****ing ridiculous.

 

Last time I played crazy golf, ended up mildly beeling as I was wearing my new shoes and managed to get a hole in one.

LET THE PUNS COMMENCE

 

Surely the aim is to get the ball in the hole in the fewest shots possible so getting a hole in one is excellent, why would you be beeling?

 

I've been to Fuerteventura, way back in the day - isn't it that tiny island a couple of miles from Ibiza? Had zero tourism back then, owing to it being a blighted volcanic rock capable only of supporting colonies of seagulls and German hippies.

Obviously they've recognised it's potential and built a gulag for sun starved north European white trash.

 

I used to have a pair of white golf shoes which cost me £500 because they were made of human skin.

You could get the same ones in black for £9.99.

 

Wrong set of islands. Fuerteventura is part of the Canary Islands, what you are referring to is a load of Balearics.

 

*Formentera

 

"Hello Cindy, can you describe the man who you saw hiding in the bushes watching you sunbathing?"

please log in to view this image

 

a pair of blonde twins with thick black Nana Mouskouri glasses would have given Graham Norton a hard-on.