The boss of Dulux Paints has died from hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Paramedics said he could have done with another coat......
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
I was in a hotel lobby turning to go from the front desk, when I accidentally ran into a woman beside me and my elbow bumped into her breast. We were both quite startled. So I turned to her and said, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replied, "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
After shagging Cheryl Cole yesterday, I think there are 3 things you should know..... First, her fanny is tight as ****, a real struggle to get in, secondly she takes it over her face without any complaint (good girl) & thirdly the staff at Madame Tussauds are miserable ****ers with no sense of humour....
My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.
A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale of one to ten. Last night we tried anal and she kept yelling 'nine', which is my best score yet.
An army captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq. During inspection he notices a camel tied up outside the men's barracks,he asks a soldier why it's there. The soldier replies "Well sir there are 250 men here and no women,sometimes the men get urges". A month later and the Captain has urges of his own,he puts a ladder behind the camel and drops his pants,and has sex with the camel. As the soldier comes round the corner he asks him "Is that how the other men do it ?". The soldier replies "No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel !".
A scouser is on holiday in Arizona, USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar . He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'. The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him. 'Oh, we call him the memory man, he knows everything,' says the barman. 'What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser. 'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything.' 'Yeah right,' says the scouser. 'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer' 'Alright' says the scouser and walks up to the Memory Man. 'Where am I from?' 'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right. ‘Alright’ says the scouser, ‘that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' ' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash. 'Yes and who did they play?' 'Leeds United' again without blinking 'And the score?' '2-1' says the memory man without hesitation. 'Pretty good, but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant. Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect . He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man. He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his war-paint and full regalia. The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner.. 'How'. The memory man squints at the scouser............'Flying header in the six yard box.'
A married man's prayer : Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away You gave me youth, You took it away. You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.
A dyslexic guy wins a free skiing holiday in a competition.Happy as Larry he flies off to his destination,and after settling in to his hotel he sets off for an afternoon of skiing.He spends 3 hours on the slopes and starts to build up his confidence,after another hour it starts to get dark so he heads back to the hotel.He hasn't encountered one single person for the whole afternoon. The next morning he heads out again,and after 2 hours he still hasn't seen another person.As he treks back up to the top of the piste,he encounters another man.Buoyed by his practice runs,he turns to the man and says "I bet I can zag zig down this slope quicker than you".The other man turns to him and says "Listen mate I've been watching you and I'd slaughter you,and by the way it's called zig zag not zag zig". The dyslexic looks at him and says "50 quid I can zag zig down there quicker",the other guy gets the arse and says look mate it's called zig zag !" The conversation continues for another 15 minutes,in exasperation the man turns to the dyslexic and says,"look you see that man standing over there".He looks into the distance and can just about make out a man standing about half a mile away."Yes I can see him" he replies. Go and ask him if it's zig zag or zag zig,I bet you 100 pounds it's zig zag. The dyslexic takes the bet and sets off. Some time later he gets to the man,he asks him "When you go down a piste,is it zig zag or zag zig ?". The guy looks at him and retorts "Don't ask me mate,i'm a tobogganist" . After a short pause the dyslexic says "Oh ok,in that case i'll have 20 Benson's and a box of matches".
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven? A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat.
