Champions League 2nd qualifying round: Lincoln Red Imps of Gibraltar 1 - Celtic 0. I kid you not. Barmy Brendan having an immediate effect on the team.
In hindsight I should have posted as my Facebook status: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just ****ed a 19 year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and the wife has gone to her mum's..
To be honest with you, she's not my bird anymore. She dumped me; she said I was starting to let myself go...
A little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa. Dad says, "Don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol." Son replies, "She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad? Uncle Ernie only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozzle!"
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the controllers. The terrified passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled: "Mayday, Mayday!!.... MY pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. The controller in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, just remain calm!!". He began his series of questions: Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter in front of me." Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed indicator in front of me." Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?" Aircraft: “The **** in my pants is running down the back of my neck"!!!
A Jewish boy has been born with no eyelids. The doctors say they can operate using the foreskin from his circumcision but he runs the risk of being cock-eyed...
