The Daily Arsenal

Sorry HIAG. The fair weather cavalry are here now!!

 

Again, you are proving to me that either you don't have a clue how property finance, today, works, or you are utterly incompetent.

 

You're just in time. HIAG can build you a million pound house for less than half price. He's currently taking orders.

Which he's used to as a junior conveyancer.

 

No problems, mate.

I've been running the estate agent (Stan) ragged, and I've driven Tobes into complete meltdown! Pixie pipes up every now and then, but after the humping I put him through last night, he's gone a bit quite.

 

SD, the fact is I know more about that place than Pixie can even begin to imagine. I gave him a chance, last night, to prove to me that he wasn't full of ordure, and he failed miserably. That's why he's gone a bit quite today.

 

A bit quite what?

Don't tell me, that was deliberate, right?

You made a lot of money from that spelling mistake?

How's my disused mine shaft report going? Has your boss explained it to you yet or do you have to go and get the coffee first?

 

It's "quiet" you illiterate junior conveyancer! Did they teach you nothing at the technical college?

 

Sorry, Stan. You are quite right to pull me over my spelling - even though it was a typo rather than the result of ignorance.

I have learned, though, that you estate agents do get very arsey about things. You're happy enough when you receive your fat cheque on completion of a sale, of course. I always make you ****ers wait, mind. Yeah, you love me when I have a nice fat cheque for you, but you'll have to wait a couple of weeks for it.

 

On and on it goes...

 

Is Stan an estate agent? That would explain why he is so ****ing boring!!

 

Conveyancers don't decide when agents are paid. People like me decide. I always pay my agents half at exchange, half at completion. Keeps them loyal. I make my conveyancers wait for their money as they are little more than secretaries and have no influence over future deals. It will all be automated soon enough and you'll be back working in your mam's dry cleaners in Enfield.

 

I understand perfectly how commercial lending works mate.

You stick to signing off the paperwork for Mr & Mrs Bloggs buying their 3 bed semi in the suburbs love x......for your fixed price rate.

 

He's a glorified estate agent, mate. I found him out on that, yesterday.

He's trying to big himself up by saying that he "buys land to turn on to developers" ie. he's an agent who sells land.

 

We've been through this a few times. I buy land, take it through planning and then sell the consented site to developers. HIAG hates people like me as I shout at estate agents who in turn shout at the conveyancers. He's bottom of the food chain.

 

What's with the chavbus love in going on in this thread? I know Chavbus suck now but still...

 

Well, clearly, you do not.

The process that it has taken me 10 days to complete is on that this particular lender is famous for (provided the deal stacks up from day 1).

If you had any experience, at all, in the field of property development finance, you would know that, and you'd probably be able to make a fairly good guess as to who the lender is.

 

Occasionally I let an agent in in a deal as they can help control margins. Conveyancers like you only ever get a fixed fee and often I chip that as there are dozens of you on every high street. To be fair it's misrepresentation to even consider yourself a lawyer. You're a legal secretary really.

 

"I buy land...then sell...to developers."

You're an estate agent, mate.

 

Cash 4 Gold?

 

If you say so Marcia! Where's my coffee?!