The Daily Arsenal

... think you are all being a bit disingenuous, HIAG's next project is an apartment block a mile south of Lizard Point, exploiting his local knowledge of Cornwall to its' fullest ...

 

I just got an email from the Cornishman. He said he's applied for a restraining order against you as you asked him to wear a teddy and shove a courgette up your arse when he came round to fix your mam's leaky taps.

We had a good laugh about it (over email) and then we built a castle which won an award. We bought the land from a guy who worked for a bank which is in receivership and have calculated the profits by subtracting the GDV from the cost of the potatoes. We've made a pretty penny I can tell you although I can't go into too many details as we bought the potatoes at a knock down price from a blacksmith who is based in Wales and drives an SPV.

 

Oh, dear, Tobes! You really do walk into these things! You'd have thought that someone with your evident lack of imagination would learn not to try to mix it with the big boys!

No, he doesn't rub shoulders with Russian investors, nor do I, in fact. There is an intermediary known as a "broker." In the world of property development these are used a fair bit, Tobes. Anyone who has carried out enough development, as my "brickie" has will most likely have used a broker. Again, if you had even the remotest knowledge of property development you would know that there is currently a fair bit of foreign money sloshing around, filling in the void created by the incompetence and greedy excesses of our own banks.

 

thanks Butthurtlock mate, need to see what all the fuss is about

 

The Russians thing made me chuckle. Every wannabe property person claims to know "the Russians". It used to be "the Qataris". Until very recently it was "the Chinese" but their stock market is now in the **** so ****wits like HIAG are back to claiming to be in with "the Russians". Dumb bastard!

 

Even better, you have a broker in with the Russians! To be fair the broker could be an interesting character. Middlemen are often shady and mysterious. He'll need to have a credible connection to Russia and the oligarchs. Perhaps he could be ex-KGB.

 

As an estate agent, you wouldn't have a clue where the money comes from, Stan. Indeed, you don't care where it comes from, so long as you get your fat cheque in double-quick time. Stop trying to make out that you know anything about development finance, and get back to ringing up solicitors to bully along those completions!

 

Tobes was right, you're a conveyancer!

 

Wow! What an admirable demonstration of your ignorance! It really is remarkable.

 

Conveyancing is a large part of what I do. If a client wants to build 10 houses on a site, he's got to buy it first. You do know that, don't you, Stan?

 

Oh right so your brickie is in fact in communication with a finance broker who has links to Russian cash.......I see.

Remind me what the **** he needed you for again?

 

So you're a conveyancer.

Thanks for clearing that up

 

"I know a guy who knows the Russians" - HIAG's guide to being a fundraiser!

 

HIAG's contacts!

 

That would explain a lot! Conveyancers are sub-lawyers. They order searches, draft purchase agreements, are bullied by estate agents etc. Effectively they are secretaries who are ordered around by property people. They only need a scratch the surface understanding of property which HIAG has demonstrated so admirably.

So credit to HIAG for getting a law degree but no credit for being in his 50s and still bottom of the legal ladder, hence he's so bitter!

 

Conveyancers are

Yep, explains a lot to be fair.

Especially his hatred of estate agents

 

HIAG, I've got a site that the searches have shown has a disused mineshaft on the eastern boundary. Can you find out if it was appropriately capped and filled according to regulation. I need a response by 1pm so don't **** about. There's £50 in it for you, there's a good little conveyancer!

 

You really are clueless!

The newer money isn't generally loaned in a traditional "High Street bank" manner. It's not a straight forward process, usually. If you don't know what you are doing, the chances of you being able to structure a proposal to fit the lender's tastes and criteria become slim. Also, taking private investor money is not usually the preferred option when there is the more traditional route open to you. My partner is astute enough to know that he needs someone he can trust to help him out with that side of things. Trusting a broker is, of course, as fraught as trusting an estate agent. He'll call you his client, but his real loyalty lies with the investor.

 

someone should close thread on humanitarian grounds - this is painful to watch

 

I don't blame him for hating estate agents now that I know that he's a legal conveyancing secretary. It's like dealing with kids. I shout at the estate agent so he takes it out on the conveyancer. HIAG is sat there in his single room, ****ty high street office above a kebab shop being yelled at by his clients as well as the estate agent acting for the other side and the only thing he can take solace in is the fantasy world he's created for himself on not606.