The Daily Arsenal

He's actually using the King Ossie approach of "you're all too thick to understand". They're quite similar characters.

 

Stan, you can bleat on as much as you like, but you clearly know very little on the subject of property development. Stick to estate agency and leave construction to those of us that know about it.

Whether you like it or whether you do not like it - and clearly you don't, as I represent to you something dark that has happened to you in your life - this project is a real project and it is going to happen. Your bull-**** attempts to wish it away are pointless. Give it a rest.

 

Yet the irony never hits home.

 

The market you should target is 6,000sqft mansions in the Home Counties. They sell for around £2.5-£3million and the market is very strong as Londoners cash in and move further out. You and Super Bob can build them for £450k and as you get the land for almost free you'd clean up. Why are you pissing about with ****ty little pub conversions when you've created a development model that can undercut the rest of the market by so much? You're missing a trick HIAG, which is unlike you.

 

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If you want it made of cardboard and masking tape and some breeze blocks to make it steady get Nick Knowless and his builder mate to knock it up for you, and as he is a fellow Spud he will do mates rates for cash

 

Just had an email from my builder, a rather bluff Cornishman, who writes: "Who is this estate agent ? sounds to me like he is talking a load of bollocks."


I replied by saying: "He's some know-it-all from Manchester, who "turns" sites to developers, but never has the bollocks to build them out himself."

I don't think I'm being overly harsh.

I've also had it pointed out to me that our figures were checked and confirmed by our QS (a partner in a large and well-respected surveying firm, who has worked with my building partner on numerous building schemes over the past 15 years), and he has confirmed they are correct.

Not that any of this is any of your business, of course.

 

Great, the characters are taking shape now. I think it would be a nice addition to the plot if Bob the Cornishman had an estranged wife who owned a fish and chip shop in Penzance that he built for her in 1983 for 24 pence.

The QS can be called Nigel.

I think Ossie would be a good name for you HIAG.

I'll stick with Stan, as in "why are you doing this to me Stan?".

Maybe that could be the title!

 

I have been discussing this with my builder partner, as we reckon you're being mugged off, Stan.

We reckon that you "turn" your sites by taking a percentage of the overall profit (a kind of overage, if you will). Clearly, no developer is going to tell you what it actually costs them to build out, because you (thieving bastard that you undoubtedly are) will fleece them, so they are going to bump up the building costs as high as they can, to "reduce" their perceived profit, so that you get given as little as possible. It all stands to reason, fella!

Anyway, you're providing us with a good laugh, which is the most important thing.

Now, you get back to working out what you can fleece your punters for, based on build costs of £200 psf, mate (wink-wink, eh).

 

Barcelona midfielder Arda Turan, 29, says Arsenal were his 'plan B' if he did not play well enough to join the Spanish club last summer. (Diari Ara via Independent)


Because he knew that he'd definitely be good enough to play for Wenger's outfit, and that he'd walk straight into their side.

Basically, he was treating AFC like a bunch of mugs.

 

I price the sites fella. It's how property works. You know when your mam sold her house to pay for your court costs? Well between her and her agent they would have come up with an asking price based on current market value. She didn't just stop someone in the street and say "make me an offer". Well, not for the house anyway.

Does the Cornishman talking in your head have a strong accent?

 

You've been found out, mate. Admit it.

£200 psf! **** me! Either you know some right cowboys, or you are the biggest mug on the Manc estate agency scene! Either suits me, to be honest.

 

Sisu resorted to that on a daily basis as well.

When ripped to shreds, claim they're all to stupid to comprehend your brilliance.

The last resort of the internet noddy.

 

I like the new tactic.

Give up trying to defend your own argument and just attack the facts.

Maybe you really are a lawyer.

 

Doesn't your 'builder' think you're a bit of a twat for asking him questions about his costings to try and dig yourself out of a pit on the internet?

Then again, he only exists in your head, so maybe not.....

Giving him a regional accent was a nice touch in your story tbf like.

 

Bob the Builder and Noddy.

Quite a team!

 

Not at all, quite the opposite, in fact.

I'm not the builder, and I was taking Stan (who also isn't a builder) at his word, and was merely cautioning my builder partner to confirm that he's happy with how we have costed everything out. He couldn't believe what Stan was saying. When I pointed out to him that Stan is, in fact, an estate agent, everything seemed to click into place for him.

That's when we both started to laugh.

 

I wonder what accent the voice that occasionally says "you're making things worse, just shut up" has in HIAG's head?

 

You're trying hard to make light of it, Stan - which is commendable, in a way - but you must now be feeling pretty awful that you've been found out.

Here's a tip, mate - you stick to estate agency, and leave the development to those that know about it.