"3 in a line here neck and neck coming to the last and up and over safely and it's Sam Twiston Davies who drives his horse out best to score by a length and a half with a power packed ride"
"Oh and what a performance that was, and Tony Martin and JP have a real nice one here and wins easing down at 100/1"
"And what a well judged ride from the front on the heavily punted jolly by the ice cool Tom Scudamore that was"
"Dramatic scenes here in the saddling enclosure as Nicky Henderson has just tried to cop a feel of Victoria Pendleton's bottom"
"Another winner for Ryan Moore here at Ascot, terrific ride...you can catch Ryan later tonight on this very channel in fact as he guest hosts 8 out of 10 cats"
"A huge drifter in today's market, this Jim Best runner will win by a distance today on his handicap debut"
Have we ever been sat here approaching the end of February with NO ****ING IDEA about what might be winning the festival bumper?