A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman. "I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here."
I was talking to a man who made his fortune selling white kitchen goods. "That must make you a Fridge Magnate," I suggested. The old un´s are the best
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
My nephew just sent me this... An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really posh hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £150.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £150..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that £150.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has a heated indoor swimming pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from all over Britain performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded. "Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £100.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.” Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.” ”Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. ”I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of….. ” At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. ”Tell him about the day you told the witchdoctor to **** off.”
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to bugger off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!
My son asked, "Dad, where do animals go when they die?" I said, "It depends, son." He asked, "On whether they were good or bad?" I replied, "No, on whether they taste good or not."
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks?" Paddy said.
A man applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses. He said no, but he had once told a donkey to **** off.
I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to Ann in the kitchen:- "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!" She shouted back "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "£3", says the bartender. The man just for fun goes on and places £1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up. This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated. Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three £1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a £5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two £1 coins at the opposite ends of the table. Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change". The man then takes out a £1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."
Sam Vokes post match comments after the Burnley v Hull City game. "We dominated the game and deserved the win".
WANTED: One experienced television host for popular charity telethon. Must like children. (But not too much.)
When my wife walked out, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then, I bought a dog, a new motorbike, made mad passionate love to two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She's going to go mental when she gets home from work.
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman says, "I know who you are! You're that singer, Art Garfunkel, aren't you?" The piece of string says, "No." The barman insists, "Yes you are. I'd recognise that mop-head anywhere. Give us a burst of 'Mrs Robinson', go on, you are Art Garfunkel." The piece of string sighs, and says, "No, I'm a frayed knot." The end.
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500. If not cured, get back £1,000." Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000, so he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! -- This is petrol!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't! -- That's petrol!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500." Dr. Young, having lost £1000, leaves angrily but comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. -- I can hardly see anything!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £1000 back." and handed Dr. Young a £10 note. Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!. That will be £500."
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said , "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied.
The teacher was giving out the marks. John got a ten. Jack got an eight. Jane got a six. Paddy a zero. "Oye sir, why did I get a zero?" asked Paddy. "Because you copied Jack's. The first four answers are the same, and in the last one Jack wrote: 'I don't know this one' and you put "me neither."
