Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook founder, has pledged to give away 99 percent of his fortune after the birth of his child. Baby Max's first words are going to be... "You did ****ing what?"
English man, Scottish man & Irish man on a Skyscraper building site, having their lunch whilst sitting on a girder on the 40th floor… English-Man opens his Sandwich and says: "Egg and Cress again? I told my wife I hate Egg and Cress. If she makes me these one more time I'm going to jump off this girder to my death." Scottish-man opens his Sandwich and says: "Cheese and Tomato again? If this happens again I'm going to jump too" Irish-man opens his sandwich also and says "Turkey and Ham? One more time and I'm doing the same as you both" The next day all 3 men come in confident that today will be different and they will finally have the lunch that they work hard for and deserve. English-Man opens his sandwich and says: "Egg and Cress again? This is the last straw" and jumps to his death Scottish-Man opens his sandwich and says "Cheese and Tomato? I've had enough" and also jumps to his death. Irish-man opens his sandwich also and says "Turkey and Ham? F*&k this I'm done." and jumps to his death as well. A few days later the 3 men's wives meet up for a chat after the funeral to have a talk about their husbands... English-man's wife says "If only I'd have listened he'd still be here" and begins to cry. Scottish-man's wife says "I know, I miss my fella so much" and now they're both crying and hugging each other. Irish-man's wife says "I really don't know what my husband was complaining about, he makes his lunch himself
Don't know if this should be in the R.I.P. thread but the chap who invented predictive text died last week, his funfair is next Monkey.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
The missus left a note on the fridge saying "It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while" I opened it, light came on and the beer was well chilled. God knows what she was on about ?
A lad just came out with this one in the office: Women are a bit like ceramic floor tiles...... Lay them properly the first time and you can walk on them for life.
I have just had some bad news from the doctor, he tells me I'm colour blind well that was a bolt out the orange
Well, there I was thinking about the ageism of one of our posters and I thought about life in general and thought, do you know what, I want to live my next life backwards : You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day, does it for me. You work 40 years until you're too young to work, making the most of every day. You discover football along the way. You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm. Aye, that would do for me.
You may smile at one of the attached.. " If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite (and comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.73% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12 - OK; so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off - - - now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death - - - - twice? 23 - My mechanic told me: "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favorite - 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I went to Ann Summers to get some special undies for the wife, an assistant came over as I was looking at a sexy pair of draws, A little embarrassed I asked her if they were satin. She said no they are brand new
