Funniest thing you've said recently...

...and which you are quite proud of?

Since Monday I've had an abcess on my tooth, anyone who's ever had the misfortune to suffer one will know the pain, i'll bet childbirth is a walk in the park compared to an abcess.

Anyhoo, we started back at work on Tuesday and I - like a ****ing imbecile - went into work as normal, looking like John Merrick on a bad day, hopped up on pain killers and antibiotics. A few people asked what was wrong.

The next day one of the lads approached my desk and asked "How's the mouth?"

Quick as a flash I retorted "She's in bed with a cold".

I'm here all week folks.

 

And before anyone says "That's from an old Ian Paisley's wife at the dentist joke" I know, I still said it though and isn't that what really matters?

 

@Minxy ban this user please ^^

 

You are not aloud on hear, this is my Safe Space, now off with you and a Happy New Year.

 

I made up the phrase "no worries"

 

I remember explaining to a mate what his mum's fanny looks like and told him it looked like a punched lasagne. Oh how I laughed, certainly more than my mate did

 

yaaaaassss!!!

 

When I say it was my mate I told, it was actually my son

 

I saw some Newcastle fans at the match today and told them I thought their team was good enough to stay up.....

 

I can't say.

It would upset the time/tag continuum.

 

That's not very nice.

 

I know.

Imagine bein a smoker.

 

I told the wife the other night it was fine if my tea was ten minutes late.

The look on her face when she got a slap for my tea being late......priceless

 

When I say it was my son I told, it was actually Baz's son that I told

 

Yesterday a colleague was trying to find Stoke-On-Trent in a Road Atlas. He suddenly said, "ah, that's why I couldn't find it, it's folded in the crease," to which I replied, "It certainly is in the crease. It's wedged between the butt cheeks of England".

 

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Dev masterfully recreates the feel of a Sunday Post letters page from the late 70s. Bravo.

 

I should have mentioned a cafe in St Andrews that charged me £7.50 for a pot of tea and a scone.

 

What scathingly witty one-liner did you knock 'em dead with? I'd have gone for "**** off you robbing toe rags" myself.