A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or Aids." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't **** her."
I've just heard that it's World Alzheimer's Day today. I was going to make a joke about that but it would have been much too easy. I said to my mum, "Can you remember when granddad had Alzheimer's She said, "No, when?" I said, "Don't you ****ing start." ****ing Alzheimer's patients! Who do they think they are? I've just heard that it's World Alzheimer's Day today. I was going to make a joke about that but it would have been much too easy.
Bloke walks into a chiropadist surgery, slaps his cock on the counter. Chiropadist says " that's not a foot!" Bloke says " no, but it's a good eleven inches"
You daft ****er, they only moved the chairs round the same side for the photo. They'd all moved back before the deep fried sharing platter & the cheesy nachos with jalapenos starters turned up.
A 68 year old bloke goes for a check up at a new Drs. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said he was doing fairly well for his age. A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' he replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' He said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' he said. She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' he said... She looked at him and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****?
My wife packed my bags for me and said GO!! As I walked out the door she shouted ''Have a long and painful death you bastard'' I turned back and said ''so you want me to ****ing stay now?'''
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy. "Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night". Archie nods approvingly. I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?" "Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.
Fancied having a tattoo last year, but the garden is to small and the neighbours don't like the sound of bagpipes.
The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
