I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," he said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.
This blonde was selling her pet Python on eBay. A bloke just rang up and asked if it was big. She said, "It's massive." He said, “How many feet?" She said ... "None…. it's a f--k--g Snake!!'' ..
I took my kids to the aquarium. "If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son. "Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.
A man walks into a clock shop, whips out his knob and puts it on the counter. The girl behind the counter says, "Excuse me sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop." To which the man replies, "That's okay, just put two hands and a face on this then."
According to rumours, back in the 1980s actor Sean Penn once used a baseball bat on his then-wife Madonna. Bet it didn't touch the sides.
Some more cr*p jokes.... Ahem... Yesterday, I was diagnosed as an idiot. I returned to the hospital today, believing my condition had improved, only to be told by the car park ticket machine that there was no change.
An elderly golfer comes into the clubhouse after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area. As he passes through the sw...inging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: £5.00 HAMBURGER: £7.00 CHEESEBURGER: £8.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: £10 HAND JOB: £95.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?" The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile and purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear and says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
One rainy spring night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the car and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to ?" he stammered. "Vale Road," answered the woman. "OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at ?" "Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question ?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller ?"
Teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his Father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You Bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your Bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm browned off that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." (You're going To love the Dad's reply!) "Did you also notice Son they all walked everywhere they went?!!"
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman... As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!
So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims?" The clerk said, "**** off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
