There was a young boy from Burnham in Buckinghamshire called Mike Ashley, all the other boys and girls teased him at school as he was far bigger than any of the other children, but young Michael had was on his bed, (which leaned to one side due to his weight) suddenly had a eureka moment and came up with a grand idea, he would use younger children during his break to sow garments together and pay them a pittance an hour. Fake Nike ticks, Abidas and Roebock, it was perfect! The stock he generated was sold to the other children at a massive margin and soon Ashley (despite being genuinely un-liked) he rose from the most detested child at school to only the 5th least liked. He had finally accomplished what he wanted, no not popularity, but greasy money, he loved it, and he talked to it whenever he was alone with it! "You will always love me won’t you money, you will always be there to purchase pizza and pie and cola, oh Money I really really do love you!” His love for massive margins and shoddy gear grew and he asked his parents for a small loan of which he promised to repay as soon as he could, he used this money to purchase a few cheap warehouses and started employing anyone who would accept £2.00 an hour suddenly due to the cheap rubbish he was selling at large profits whilst underpaying his staff, his fortunes rose quickly. His parents who were struggling to pay their mortgage requested some of the loan back to help with their financial instability, Michael laughed in their faces despite having only a mere million in the bank, he decided it was time to move out and leave these poor forgettable losers behind, how dare they ask for their money back he thought, I'd rather rent a council flat then live rent free in my parents detached 3 bedroom house! “I will never depart with my beloved money unless it makes me more money!” Michael's fortune grew and grew along with his love for Greggs pies and work assistants that reminded him of his favourite Simpson character (Waylon Smithers). He always thought of himself as a younger more ripped version of Mr Burns. One day when visiting a Greggs in Newcastle, Michael who had grown somewhat ordered 52 steak bakes and 84 chicken slices was told that they had just sold out! He was fuming, he demanded to know who had purchased all their stock and prevented him from having his quick afternoon snack before dinner! The lady pointed to a balding ginger haired bastrd in the corner who appeared to be quickly scoffing down all of Michael’s lunch! "Oi You, you’re eating all my food and I’m hungry!" bellowed Michael in his extremely squeaky voice! "Well im eating all my food! The Ginger fat man replied" "Your that Freddy Bloke aint ya" Michael said "So What if I am" Fat Fred spurted with a mouth full of steak "Tell you what, if I eat more pies that you, then you sell me your precious little Newcastle United" Mike suggested, apart from Money, there was nothing more that please Mike than taken the loved possession’s from other people, especially if it was below the RRP "And why would I do that" said fred "FREE PIE" screeched Mike Fred’s eyes lit up. He eyed Mike up and down and though about all the delicious pies he could be eating, he took another bite out of a steak bake as he ponded, then nodded his head agreeably. It was on! The world heavyweight pie eating contest to crown the biggest grease ball! So it began, the biggest ever pie eating contest the universe had ever witnessed! it went on for days, they just kept going, it got to the point where both were so stuffed, they couldn’t even get up for toilet breaks, then after four days of solidly eating pie and drinking Lucozade, Fred went white, he started puking everywhere, there was so much puke it could have filled the stadium of light (well more than the mackems ever do!) Mike was victorious and although he had no heart, he felt a feeling he hadn’t really felt before, more the kind of feeling Kim Jong Un has over north Korea. He paid the money over to Freddy who decided to run away and hide due to the shame. Occasionally coming out and doing interviews about Newcastle just to let everyone know his still alive! Mike met Big Sam for the first time, he didn’t like him, he was far too big and everyone knew Mike liked being the biggest guy around. It didn’t take long to sack him and put King Kev in place, but there were disagreements about everything. Michael wanted Kevin to follow him about at Sports Direct functions or Sportswear meets so he could go up to competing owners and say "I would absolutely LOVE IT if we beat you" for mikes amusement, Kevin got tired of this and finally quit. Mike was unsure what to do, but a funny little gremlin called Denis came up to him with a cheese burger and said "I will grant you this cheese burger if you let me work at your rubbish little football club, We can put your banners everywhere, plus I know this bloke at Wonga who will pay you millions to put their tacky little logo on your kit!" Mike thought for a minute, he hadn’t eaten anything for a good 6 minutes, "has the cheeseburger got pickles in it" he asked, the Gremlin nodded his head "Gimme, gimme, gimme" cried mike and scoffed the cheeseburger down! The deed was done Dennis despite being incredibly stupid had managed to fool Mike in to giving him a job despite knowing nothing about football. That being said, it’s supposedly how every employee of Mike in a senior position got their role.
Oh he certainly did. And that was the eighties for you. I showed my chum a picture of myself at the start of that woeful decade and I look like Ben Elton even before Elton did. Mind you I was stuck in the seventies at the time (as I still am now as it happens).
