My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Wife say to me the other day, "I love you honey". I replied, "I love you tonnes". She said, "Aww, don't I get a nickname?" I swear the fat bitch is going deaf.
Nicked off the Leeds board... A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered. Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water." The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said. "That's no good, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow." "That's no better either, Hamish." "Now, how about you, Paddy?" The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out; "London". "Brilliant, Paddy!" said the therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said,"d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-derry.
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot, Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
"Racist" is a running (and totally unfunny) "joke" response, routinely peddled by a few of the inner circle of incurable troublemakers on here. Mr. Hatem has not yet achieved that exalted status. I think this was a genuine though misguided comment. Forgive them, for they know not what they (try to) do.
"Hello?" "Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher....
Not sure this joke will translate well to the page as the punch line is sound you need to make rather than say it but here goes... I saw a friend of mine the other day at the sauna, he suffers with water on the brain! I said 'how are you doing?' He replied... (make a kettle whistling sound)
