The Royal Family have had to change their telephone answering machine messages. Their previous one - "'I'm unable to answer my phone at the moment, so please leave a message and the News of The World will get back to you.'' - is somewhat meaningless now.
A substitute teacher walks into his new class and says to the kids "Lets get to know each other, I'll start. I support Lu#on Town, hands up everyone who supports Lu#on" All the kids bar one put their hands up. Teacher "What team do you support John" John "I support Watford sir" Teacher "Why?" John "My mum and dad both support Watford so I support them as well" Teacher "If your mum was a whore and dad was a drug addicked what would you be then?" John "That's easy sir I would support Lu#on like the rest of you pr#cks"
My wife suggested that I should consider getting one of those penis enlargers. So I took her advice and got one. She is 25 years old, blonde, 34C and her name is Erica.
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
Some riddles for you..answers to follow when you've had a go! 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday? 5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
1. Lions - not eating for 3 years, they'd be dead already? 2. Got me stumped.... Some kind of game, maybe? 3. A Match? 4. Christmas Eve, Chrismas Day, Boxing Day? 5. No 'e' in it?
1. The room full of fires - they are all in fireplaces so he just sits in the middle of the room 2. She's a photographer, taking and developing a picture of her husband 3. A newspaper 4. Yesterday, today and tomorrow
1. 3, the lions would all be dead if they hadn't eaten for 3 years. 2. Photographer developing pictures 3. Charcoal (but a match works too ) 4. i said the same as Kev, which works imho lol..but BB has it right. Yesterday, today and tomorrow 5. No 'e' in it
Haha nice one... I like riddles like that, and didn't do too bad, I guess! When i got the job at the footy club, they asked one; The person who makes it, sells it. The person who buys it never uses it and the person who uses it doesn't know they are using it. What is it?
Well lots of people plan their funeral and do go to those lenghts. Thats weird for me, yeah plan the ceremony but thats about it lol.
Well, give your family the resources to do it... but would rather not plan any details about it, if I'm honest! lol
