Brilliant joke that was voted best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe:- I deleted all of the German contacts from my mobile phone..It's now Hans free!
This is why you should never take your wife to the state fair. My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’ We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.’ We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, ‘That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.’ I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.”
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room… “Why are you down here at this time of night!?” The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.” She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies. The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?” “Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?” “I remember that, too” she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. “Sounds good,” my wife said, “but I don’t want the eggs.” “Then I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte”, the waitress told her. “You mean I’d have to pay more for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “Yes,” the waitress answered. “I’ll take the special then” my wife said. “How do you want your eggs?” the waitress asked my wife. “Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. A good reminder to all of us: never mess with senior citizens!
