Bit late for this, but what the hell. Took a dyslexic girl home last night. She ended up cookin' my sock. Ho offence intended.
Michael Barrymore has offered to pay £1 million to play up front for Manchester United. He wanted 10 pricks behind him and 73,000 assholes jumping up and down.
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
Whats the difference between a Man United fan and a vibrator? A Man United fan is a real dick. What did Man United fans use as contraception? Their personalities. Whats the difference between a Man United fan and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you jumping on a trampoline. Whats the difference between a Man United fan and a pitbull? Lipstick. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan? A dope carrier. How do you stop a Man United fan from drowning? Take your foot off their head. What would you call 100 Man United fans on the moon? A problem. What would you call 1000 Man United fans on the moon? A bigger problem. What would you call all Man United fans on the moon? Problem solved.
SKYNEWS: 10 Injured in Spanish Fiesta.. I would have thought a small mini-bus would've been more appropriate....
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?" The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!" So the woman asked, "Is this a record?" To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred pounds. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a cheese sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
One day Bow4fowler was taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.... "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!" "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!" "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!" "But if you **** one goat......."
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Bangkok where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". Not really good form, but still pretty funny =)
A man has been driving all day and he stops in a small village and he comes across a sign outside a pub that says ''All you can eat and drink,if you can complete a test''. So he goes into the pub to find out what the test is.So the barman says the test is,the man must drink a pint of whiskey,pull a tooth out of a rottweillers mouth and ride the auld one up stairs. So the man drinks the pint of whiskey and then goes off,and an hour later he comes back and his clothes are in tatters and he says ''Where is that auld one that needs her tooth pulled''.
Here's a joke.Man United fans thinking they are the richest club in the world....even though they are £590 million in debt.
