I once pissed in my girlfriend's wardrobe. She didn't speak to me for quite a few days after that one.
She went on my comp to send an email, saw a spam email I'd received about Russian brides and thought it meant that I'd been looking for one. The reality is that I'd only been ****ing looking at Russian porn and must have somehow left a trail.
I was at my mother in law's funeral sneezed and farted at the same time. I was creasing up and got filthy looks from the Vicar and organist. Haven't spoken to them since.
I nearly killed a guy over his bad play in a game of Nomination. (A card game form of Bridge) I led him the right cards and he let the other team take the points, thinking one of them was my partner I started leading to him. When my partner eventually showed me with his cards that he was my partner, I went for him and only my 2 mates saved him from violence. Alll very silly in hindsight but it still gets my dander up when I think of it. True story.
I used to do odd jobs for my elderly neighbour (d.i.y, gardening, shopping trips etc) until 2 years ago. It was 30+ degrees (hot). She complained that my open (fanlight) windows was making her place cold and draughty !!! ( we don't share a chimney ) - I told her that the slight breeze couldn't penetrate through walls to make her place any cooler - on a 'boiling hot day'. She refused to accept my explanation - Now the only time she talks to me is to hurl abuse. On another occasion she complained about my son's car in the road outside her place. ( car was taxed, insured, not obstructing ). I asked her what problem she had with the car. She said " I don't like blue coloured cars." !!!.................. I have since bought a blue coloured car.
You don't get the respect on here you deserve, mate. Absolute cracking threads time and again. Keep it up Me and the burd flew back last summer, skipped over to God's Country and rented a car. Bird was asking what the speed limit was. I said 70mph and she was beelin, because she wanted to know in kilometres. I said it wouldn't matter because the ****ing speedometer only showed MPH but, like a typical small-brained and inferior woman, she insisted she had to know so that she didn't get caught speeding. This is a picture of my bird: please log in to view this image
I once deleted my account from an online forum because the daft ****s I was doing a favour didn't understand what yield meant. I still haven't been back to it.
I once had the temerity to criticise a certain football teams assistant manager, , won't mention any names, because he said something that was completely ridiculous. Imagine my amazement when a big fat smelly Taig took exception to me slagging anything to do with his rancid club and stuck up for the mentalist. He also called me nasty names that really hurt my fealings.
Have you ever seen a game of Phat being played? You get some barneys at that. They auld guys take their cairds serious like.
I used to drink in night clubs and when I'd finished my drink I used to launch my empty bottles/glasses over my shoulder. True story. Not once did anybody ever come back at me for doing it. True story. In ma yoof ah was mento and apparently untouchable. True story. These days I'd rather through espresso coffee cups over my shoulder.
