Pussy

Someone help me out with dealing with pussy will they?

I'm able to attract pussy, however they either seem a little sensitive about the things I say or they say I'm to nice.

I'm perplexed with these beings.

 

Cat bikkies and some milk work for me.

 

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First what you do, is you create an online forum profile. Preferrably sports. Now I know, sports are dull, for the unenlightened neanderthalis of this world, but play along, as this is where you need to be. You lure some poor trev, I mean sucker, in with your violent rhetoric, and then boom. 5 years later he sets you up with his single hot daughter.

 

Just use rohypnol.




(Joke)

 

I think you should use this forum to practice your approach. Judging by your posts on here, from my long experience, you may need to make slight changes in the way you handle them in order to hold on to members of the opposite sex:
1) I may be wrong here and my statistical pool is quite small (only a couple over the last 25years, both of the exotic foreign persuasion) but I have noticed that they generally don't like it when you express an opinion that might not be the same as theirs. If you predict something and it then turns out the way you predicted then it is not a good idea to tell them "I told you so" or "You should know I am always right". A very useful phrase when dealing with them is "I agree with you hon". This can be used at any time - they seem to like the sound of it. Then when something goes "txts" up as you always knew it would just apologise. You don't need to say why you are apologising, the word "Sorry" seems to have a calming effect on them.
So lets try that on the next post.
When Graham Carr's Binoculars or another poster says something ridiculous like:
"I think our squad is strong enough to get a top half finish if McLaren can get them going"
Now you will be wanting to post: They are all shXte and we will be relegated"
but try this:
"I agree I can see Cabella as a major creative force and I have always said that Dummett will come good with time"
Then when the inevitable relegation occurs you can post:
"Sorry - you were right all along"
You may feel an overwhelming sense of frustration at first. Just ignore this - it will dull to a slight ache after about 10years and by 20 you won't even notice you are doing it.
2) Another thing that they like is that you follow through with things. When they ask you to cut the lawn, fix the fence, build a deck, paint the walls there are three usual approaches - none of which are correct:
a) I will do it when the weather improves
b) I will do it but am just busy watching this on telly
c) Can we get someone in to do it - I am busy and can earn more money working than we would have to pay them anyway
The correct response is just to do it - they seem to see that as an expression of love and commitment. They will of course moan about the quality of work at which point you go back to your stock response "Sorry"
Your performance in The Prediction League last season suggested this could be an area that you may need to work on. You joined up and then dropped through the leagues like a stone. Maybe you didn't want to embarrass the rest of us with your 100% predictions but they see this as lack of commitment so next time try joining up and playing the whole season. In fact if you can post the upcoming fixtures that would also save me a lot of effort.
I don't want to get you downhearted so I am going to start with these two simple areas. As you get the hang of it we will introduce some more complicated problems that you will need to deal with including the inevitable "What do you think of this dress darling"? However for now just start with these two and your mates on Not606 are here to help.

 

This.

 

Help, you call that help?



You'll condemn him to a lifetime of servitude with advice like that.

Work on the basis that you will never, and I do mean never, understand women. Women don't understand women so why on earth does anyone think men will understand women.

The best advice I ever received about women was from a drunk old man in a pub in Wolverhampton when I was about 19 yo and that was if you want to be a success with women make them laugh. Not physically, make them laugh but just make sure you can make them laugh. If you can you will win more than you lose.











PS Buying them expensive presents helps as well.

 

males are generally less sensitive and would be more reluctant to say youre too nice


maybe men are more up your alley

 

im not offering btw

 

too late! JPF is now stalking you.

 

Lifetime of servitude - happy marriage. I was under the impression the two went hand in hand.
If you can get through marriage just by making them laugh then you are a much better comedian than me. Maybe you can give me an example of the type of humour you would use when she says: Do you think that girl over there is good looking?

I didn't want to confuse Mr T by giving him too much information at once. He may get disheartened.
I obviously hadn't pointed him in another direction as I thought others on here may be better able to enlighten him on other ways of holding onto a woman, involving only a house with a basement, a strong lock and equipment from websites that I am not familiar with.

 

Compared to you, (the woman, not actually you) only in a world where the blind man is King.



P.S. Did I mention the need to lie a lot. That helps as well.

 

Not sure if talking about cats or women. At any rate, if cats, I find that ear tickles and little food treats seem to do the trick.

In the alternative, women, I find not referring to them as 'pussy' seems to help. Of course I don't pretend to understand women - or men for that matter - but in general it's a decent rule of thumb.

 

Forget all this " make them laugh " and " make them feel special " sh!te.

Slap your cock on her chin and say " get your laughing tackle round that "
Always works for me, just ask the wife's sister.

 

He's right.
I can vouch for that.
She's a nice lass.

 

I find the odd back hander works a treat...and also give them money every so often

 

Lock all exits from your garden first and try to corner them, when they get scared they usually just freeze, so whilst they're in that state all you have to do is swing something like a cricket bat or golf club as hard as possible. I usually ditch the ones I kill by the side of the road, that way it looks like they've had an untimely run-in with a vehicle.

Unless you're talking about the feline variety, then I have no advice for you whatsoever pal.

 

I found this for you mate:

1) Be Down
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.

2) Don’t Say Hi to Dry
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.

Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.

Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.

Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

3) Submarine Mission for You, Baby
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.

Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.

Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her ****, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.

When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual ****.

By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.

Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.

Important: Never bite the **** in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

4) Parting the Red Seas
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

5) The Grand Entrance
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive, she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendinitis.

6) Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a ***. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss.
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

7) Identifying the Clit Type
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori: ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on.

8a) Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you **** because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue ****ing.

As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multiorgasmic, you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her **** until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

8b) Clits That Don’t
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

9) The Conclusion
Once you’re done (totally finished), she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.