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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

Page 21 of 830
  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.......................I cant put it down
     
    #401
    Wooperts_duck, May 17, 2015
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What does your daddy do for a living day at the primary school.
    Becky walks to the front of the class and says proudly "My dad is a fireman and he saves people's lives rescuing them from burning buildings".
    That's lovely says the teacher.
    Billy walks to the front of the class and says proudly "My daddy is a lifeboat man and he rescues people from the stormy seas".
    That's lovely says the teacher.
    Finally little Johnny walks slowly to the front of the class and mumbles as softly as he can "My daddy is a lap dancer in a gay club and he makes other men happy".
    Giggles around the classroom and the teacher ends the lesson, sending the class out for an early break time.
    She grabs Johnny's arm as he walks past and pulls him to one side. "Now Johnny", she says, "It's not really true that your daddy is a lap dancer in a gay bar, is it"?
    Reluctantly Johnny says "No Miss". "He actually plays for Newcastle Utd, but I couldn't tell them that could I !!!!!!"
     
    #402
    Wooperts_duck, May 17, 2015
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    They had a contest the other day at the Senior Citizens Centre. I lost by one point.
    The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji.
     
    #403
    kiwiqpr, May 18, 2015
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Rumours that after the match the Newcastle United squad was seen successfully seducing young women in a Geordie nightclub with one-liners have been completely refuted by their manager, John Carver.

    He states: “I find it totally preposterous to suggest that any of our players could make a successful pass to, or at anyone.”
     
    #404
    Wooperts_duck, May 18, 2015
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  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    What is Celibacy?
    Celibacy can be a choice in life,
    Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

    While attending a Marriage Weekend,
    My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
    ''It is essential that husbands and wives know the
    Things that are important to each other.."

    He then addressed the men,
    ''Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?''
    I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
    And whispered,
    ''Self-raising, isn't it?''
    And thus began my life of celibacy..........
     
    #405
    kiwiqpr, May 19, 2015
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  6. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

    So I packed her things and left.
     
    #406
    UTRs, May 19, 2015
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by a Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries inspector.
    The inspector says to the Maori that it looks like he has caught a couple of under size crayfish.

    The Maori says, "Nah Bro, these are my pet crayfish. I just bring themdown to the beach each day for a swim. When I whistle they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."

    The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says it is illegal to catch undersize crayfish and starts writing out a ticket.

    Then the Maori says, "Nah Bro just watch" and chucks the crayfish intothe surf.

    The MAF officer then says, " Ok let's see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you."

    …..And the Maori fella says, "What crayfish?"
     
    #407
    kiwiqpr, May 23, 2015
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  8. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    The Barnsley forum whippet says...

    joke whippet.jpg
     
    #408
    UTRs, May 23, 2015
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    very happy to get the whippet seal of approval
     
    #409
    kiwiqpr, May 24, 2015
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
    After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
    After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
    A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
    After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
    Silence fell over the congregation.
    In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."
    The entire congregation said, "Amen."
     
    #410
    kiwiqpr, May 24, 2015
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1945 Colt pistol and yelled,
    "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"
    A voice from the back of the room called out...

    "You'll need more ammo!
     
    #411
    kiwiqpr, May 26, 2015
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  12. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    Snow White was in the bath feeling sleepy.

    He got out, so she felt dopey instead.
     
    #412
    UTRs, May 26, 2015
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Ed went to see the Doctor. The Doctor asked what was wrong.
    "Don't laugh!" said the patient Ed.
    "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.
    In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient".
    "Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
    Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
    "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

    "It's swollen," Ed replied
     
    #413
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2015
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at a members-only golf club, when a naked man, wearing a bag over his head, jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
    The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood.
    The first lady says, "Well he definitely is not my
    husband."
    The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure is not my husband."

    The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!"
     
    #414
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2015
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  15. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    I like to have a cigarette after a good meal.

    Thanks to my wife, I don't smoke.
     
    #415
    UTRs, May 28, 2015
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.

    Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
     
    #416
    Wooperts_duck, May 29, 2015
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

    Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
     
    #417
    Wooperts_duck, May 29, 2015
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

    As they walk, they come across a sign:
    "Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world."

    "I am entering" said Snow White.
    After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
    " First Place ," said Snow White.

    They continue walking and they see a sign:
    "Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

    "I'm entering," says Superman.
    After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
    "How did you make out?""

    First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

    They continue walking when they see a sign:
    "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
    Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...

    "What happened?" they asked.
    "Who the hell is Sepp Blatter?" asked Pinocchio.
     
    #418
    Wooperts_duck, May 29, 2015
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave theconfessional unmanned, he calls a rabbi friend and asks him to cover
    for him. The rabbi tells him he wouldn't know what to say, but the
    priest says he'd show the rabbi what to do. The rabbi agrees and he
    and the priest both enter the confessional.
    In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I
    have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I
    committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times."
    Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put £5 in the box and sin no more."
    A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says
    "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you
    do?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?"
    Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put £5 in the
    box and sin no more."
    The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest
    leaves.
    A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me
    for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed
    adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do
    it two more times. We have a special this week, three for £5."
     
    #419
    kiwiqpr, Jun 1, 2015
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  20. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    I saw a sign in McDonald's today, it said 'we do not accept £50 notes'.

    F*ck me, if I had a £50 note, I wouldn't be eating in McDonald's.
     
    #420
    UTRs, Jun 2, 2015
Page 21 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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