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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. moreinjuredthanowen

    moreinjuredthanowen Mr Brightside

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    dunno.. My sister is woeful. I'm not great with passengers as they distract me. Otherwise i don't have issues she on the other hand is a notorious tailgater and has had 4/5 accidents at roundabouts


    Women drivers.... they in general are not better or worse than men. I feel these stats are too broad as frankly men are dragged down by the 18 year olds with Subaru etc that ruin our insurance bills.

    Also.. the general evidence of our eyes is the cars you see with big dents from reversing into bollards or scrapes all down the sides are driven by women.
     
    #421
  2. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    GRANNIES ON THE ROAD This could be some of us in a few years....or even now?

    Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

    So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

    The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seem s to be the problem?"

    The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

    A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
     
    #422
  3. Insurance companies seem to think females are safer drivers <whistle>
     
    #423
  4. Germlands Nozzer

    Germlands Nozzer Well-Known Member

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    Fixed?
     
    #424
  5. moreinjuredthanowen

    moreinjuredthanowen Mr Brightside

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    you know why don't you?

    the evidence is all around us. they don't claim for all the bangs and dents they create and you can see them driving about with the wings torn all up or doors caved in
     
    #425
  6. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    I don't care. If they're German, I'll **** them anywhere <laugh>
     
    #426
  7. Red Hadron Collider

    Red Hadron Collider The Hammerhead

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    <yikes> I repeat: where the **** to you get this stuff from?
     
    #427
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  8. moreinjuredthanowen

    moreinjuredthanowen Mr Brightside

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    why ask... just enjoy the mystery.

    Its dribs you don't need any more than that.
     
    #428
    Alisson Becker is N01 likes this.
  9. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Thought you never repeat yourself !.<ok>
     
    #429
  10. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    Three prisoners are standing in jail when a new inmate walks in.

    He goes up to the first prisoner and asks, "What are you in for?"

    The first prisoner answers, "Armed robbery."

    The new prisoner says, "Oh, shame you got caught!"

    He then approaches the second prisoner and proceeds to ask him what he is in for.

    The second prisoner says, "Rape."

    This newcomer again replies that he hopes he's out soon.

    The third prisoner then says, "Hang on a minute, what are YOU in for?"

    The new prisoner replies, "Oh, erm, I **** dogs."

    The third prisoner says, "Oh, how low can you get?!"

    The new prisoner replies, "Ooh, about as low as a Jack Russell..."
     
    #430

  11. Jürgenmeiʃter

    Jürgenmeiʃter Top top top top top flirt

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    Whoever invented the "knock knock" joke deserves a Nobel prize
     
    #431
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  12. DerekTheMole

    DerekTheMole Well-Known Member

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    Time to bring the tone down a bit:

    Why did Eva Braun not like giving Hitler a blowjob?



    It left a Nazi taste in her mouth.
     
    #432
    BobbyD and Alisson Becker is N01 like this.
  13. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A bloke goes to see his doctor and says "I'm addicted to wife swapping."
    Doctor replies "Interesting, and how does your wife feel?"
    The bloke says "She's quite soft and cuddly, what about yours?"
     
    #433
  14. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    Thanks to everyone who helped me translate the word "beaucoup", hugely appreciated. It means a lot.
     
    #434
  15. BBFs Unpopular View

    BBFs Unpopular View Well-Known Member

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    I did nazi that coming<whistle>
     
    #435
  16. FedLadSonOfAnfield

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  17. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    please log in to view this image

    The president of Fifa, Sepp Blatter, has come under more criticism about goal-line technology, this time from his wife.

    She said, "It doesn't surprise me, I've been asking him for years whether it was in or not."
     
    #437
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  18. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A guy and his girlfriend went to commit suicide on top of 10 storey building so that God can officiate
    their wedding in heaven.
    The plan was to jump off the building at the same time at the count of three. So, after the count the guy
    jumped off but the girl didn't jump. She looked back and said "though love is blind but I am not blind".
    She then walked away. As the guy got to the air, he opened his parachute and said "though I am madly in
    love, but not mad to die for love".
    Your comments:
    Who cheated?
    Man or woman?
     
    #438
  19. moreinjuredthanowen

    moreinjuredthanowen Mr Brightside

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    Both obviously plastic as robbie fowler doesn't do weddings
     
    #439
  20. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    please log in to view this image
     
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