How British are you?

Oont I vant to put mein Frankfurter int your Schneidlehoofen.

 

75% for me - but i did try to answer them all wrong on purpose so I could say I failed as well

 

“Guten Morgen” – so far so good – “hier ist Mollie” – awesome – “darf ich mit Maria sprechen,” – wow, nailed it, got that first verb in and held on to the second till the end of the phrase! Because I was on such a roll, I wanted to go for the £10 word, “extension”, what was it? – oh yeah – “Durchfall 234”.

I heard an odd silence and a clearing of the throat on the other end of the line before I was passed through to Maria. I didn’t think anything of it until a few weeks later when I was running a business English class with a feisty, jocular group of women who worked with American doctors. One of them had been reading aloud in English and asked what the word “extension” meant. After she didn’t understand my explanation in English, I said “It’s Durchfall”. At which all five women burst into unruly laughter.

“Durchwahl! You mean Durchwahl!” one of them gasped.

Language learners beware: one subtle shift in a consonant can be deadly. “Durchwahl” is extension – “Durchfall” is diarrhea.

 

And it's ginger, not pop

and a roll n sausage - not a sausage sandwich

 

Or Juice..

 

I have only ever met wonderful people in Scotland; Dumfries, Melrose and Stirling are my favourite Scotch settlements.

Caerlaverock Castle is a real jewel and a place I'm happy to while away a few hours in and around.

But where do you Jockish not606ers reside? I'm going to head up to meet you. Soon.

 

How do you feel about the mid-day sun?

 

Garelochhead for my sins.

 

Cricket time.

 

Twechar, Jewel of the Empire as it is colloquially known throughout the English speaking world.

 

Haw, ya ****! - How are you, my dear friend?

Haw, ya ****! - Where's ma ****in money ya wee bellend!

Haw, ya ****! - We have issues I feel we should address right now!

Haw, ya ****! - I haven't seen you in years! How are you?

Awright big man! - How are are you?

Awright big man! - I have issues with you because you think you're better than me.

Awright big man! - Even though you are physically smaller than me, I am showing you respect

Awright wee man! - Even though you are physically bigger than me, we both enjoy the irony

Awright wee man! - Am gonny boot your **** in some day soon.

Awright wee man! - I'm not talking to you right now.

....and so it goes on. The Scots/slang is a ****in minefield. It's all about context and inflection. Sometimes you don't know if you have been complimented, insulted, or threatened by the delivery of one phrase.

 

Who are you talking tae? - Prepare for physical confrontation

 

Are you?

I know some homosexuals. You must know them!

Me and you are pals by ****y proxy!

 

If you only knew how Cricket got invented.

Douglas Adams knew, and he was killed for it.

 

No, but I like to humour Toby.

I may still know your gays, though: I'm big in Scotland.

 

Are you related to John Logie Baird?

You are lucky to have such beautiful views of Helensburgh and beyond.

 

Ah ha! Another clue! Which I completely fail to get. Dammit.

 

I have a stunning view from my Living Room, one day I will post the picture.

 

Perhaps I could be there with you, eh? Sharing a plate of suet pudding or something.