Your favourite banned article on 606?

Date Created: 16th November 2010

Date Banned: 16th November 2010 - about 25 minutes after it's birth ...

After an amazing and truly deserved win at Chelsea there has been some talk of Sunderland becoming European bound next season which got me to thinking....

“Welcome to the first ever Mackem Air flight” said the trolley dolly as she surveyed the miscreants seated securely in front of her; strapped in tight with a look of fear and apprehension etched into their faces.

“We’ll shortly be taking off from Newcastle…” she paused to allow the hissing and booing to die down before continuing, “… airport on our flight to Milan”. A hushed ‘hurrah’ emanated from the tight lipped passengers.

“Before we take off I’d like to ask you to pay attention to the in-flight safety display” she muttered casually as she knew that most passengers ignored the display but to her amazement she noted that the entire plane was bolt upright and paying attention.

Unsettled, she began speaking into the microphone the usual script and watched in awe as every exit door was duly noted to memory, life jackets were checked to ensure they were in place and every passenger tried to check if the oxygen mask was in the overhead compartments. She suppressed a giggle when the passengers crouched on the floor to inspect the aisle way lighting.

“We hope you enjoy your flight with Mackem Air and we’ll shortly be on our way.”

The plane lurched backwards to leave the airport gate and the sound of strained breathing echoed from the contours of the plane.

“I can’t take it!” shouted an irate passenger who fumbled for his seat belt. The stewardess ran down the aisle to restrain him and make sure that he was alright. He was as red faced from exertion as the red on his red and white shirt but still the buckle wouldn’t come undone.

“You’ve trapped me. You’ve trapped me” he bellowed and his calls of despair lulled his comrades into frenzy as they thrashed against their restraining belts.

“We’ve gone too far!” another shouted and his fear permeated the others.

“I can’t stand heights! Let me off!” they began to wail and soon the crescendo of screaming men forced the captain into a quick decision to abort the take off.

“Ladies and Gentleman” he announced, “We’ve now arrived in Milan where the local time is exactly the same as the time in Sunderland. Please remain seated until the plane docks and the seat belt lights are extinguished. It’s a pleasant temperature and the locals look forward to seeing you. We hope you enjoy you’re stay and Mackem Air looks forward to seeing you again.”

The stewardess ran into the cockpit to abject strongly.

“They’ll know you’ve duped them” she accused.

“Ladies and Gentleman” the pilot started. “Please be aware that Milan is modelled exactly on Sunderland where the language, accent and even the main city looks and feels exactly like home.”

The pilot smiled at the stewardess “Happy now?”

“That should do it” she confirmed.

From the back of the plane the sound of contentment could be heard with claims of how pleasant the journey had been amidst wonderment at what new experiences they would discover.

 

That's quality!

 

HAHA Thats funny as, shame im putting off doing school work to read it

 

Only got one banned and this was it:

I got a text from a mate yesterday about Saylor and Carroll which read as follows:

Taylor was texting Carroll's lass who has Andy's bairn, while the Toon were at Swansea and he was in Newcastle asking her to come round...Taylor used to have a 'thing/fling' with her before Carroll did.

Taylor is dispised at the club by all, very aqrrogant and done his best to move to Everton in the summer which cheesed alot of the lads off. His Dad the copper has gone to the press spinning loads of rubbish about Carroll on the back of Carroll's bother on the Bigg Market.

Heres the depth of the feeling in the squad: Harper, Nolan, Smudge, Butt and Shola all went to see Hughton to urge him to sell Taylor because of his selfish attitude. Carroll is apparently thick as mince but a good honest lad and easily wound up.

Taylor and Carroll were in the treatment room when Carroll asked Taylor 'One chance to admit it as I've seen the texts' when Taylor laughed in his face.



We all know what 'allegedly' happened next.


I have also heard that the altercation was due to arugements over wages but this story does seem to have some kind of credibility

 

Haha

 

That has to be one of my favourite ones from you OT

You must have to much time on your hands to type such a well written script out

 

I had my first article banned on Monday when the news of 606 going broke and we all got silly.

'Murder is not morally wrong, discuss'.

 

Haha thats class!!

 

Quality OT. It used to be a pain keeping those alive on 606, I can remember the days when we had to put disclaimers into articles.

 

This is my favourite (of ones I made). It comes complete with disclaimer, enjoy:

Dear Moderators, The content below was referred to a member of your moderation team, and they have deemed it acceptable. So please don't remove it again. ok

The Convenience of Volcanic Ash

"What is it you want to show me Sir" said Derek as he followed Mike into a local SportsDirect.com store.

"Look around you Derek" said Mike gesturing to the endless rows of cheap merchandise "What do you see?"

"It's another one of your finely run businesses sir, the tills are ringing and the stock is flying off the shelves" snivelled Derek, "it's a credit to the way you run your companies sir."

"Not all of the stock is flying off the shelves though. People are buying England shirts, we're even making a steady profit on the ones with 'Heskey' on the back. There's someone buying a Man U shirt, a Chelsea shirt. Despite being in England there are only a handful of Barcelona shirts left on the rack. We're about to buy ourselves a couple of Spurs shirts" said Ashley as he grabbed a couple off the nearest rack "but look at that rack over there, nobody is going near it."

Derek looked to where Mike was pointing and shrank back from the blinding light, shielding his eyes he said "Good Lord, what on Earth is that?"

They made their over to the rack, Mike grabbing a cheap pair of shades out of the bargain bin on route. "Here" he said thrusting one of the shirts into Derek's arms. Derek looked at it, it was the most hideous piece of attire he had ever seen. The shirt was striped with the two most disgusting shades of yellow imaginable, and to complete the horrific picture, the back was emblazoned with the words "BEST - 20". "And this isn't all of them" said Mike "we have box upon box of them out the back, and it is the same at every store, this is the biggest financial gaff I've made since "Big Sam" persuaded me to sign Geremi, why aren't they buying them Derek?" he asked with more than a hint of despair.

"I honestly don't know sir" he replied scratching his head.

"Is it because we're in the Coca Cola Division and people have stopped supporting the club?" Mike suggested "Is it the shirt design, maybe the fans don't want to give me money, perhaps it's the player?"

"I'm sure it's nothing personal sir" Derek replied soothingly "And it won't be to do with Leon either, he's our trophy signing remember? Our little present to the supporters, I'm sure they love him. Remember how we were going to parade him around the stadium like the previous owners did with Shearer and Owen?"

"Yes but we thought it would be a needless waste of time and money." reminisced Ashley. "But that must mean the supporters dislike the shirt itself then."

"It's release was greeted with derision from some factions of the fanbase" conceded Derek.

"We can't allow this to happen again, the new shirts are unveiled tomorrow. Do you think it's wise to change the home strip from black and white stripes, to the red, white and blue stripes of SportsDirect.com?" asked Ashley.

"Hmm" said Derek thoughtfully "Chris said the shirt looked like a tube of Aquafresh, which might lose us the odd fan, but it does open up some lucrative advertising opportunities within the Oral Hygiene industry"

"And what about the Away kit, the one with the pink and maroon hoops?" asked Mike.

"Oh I liked that one" said Derek with a smile.

"You liked the yellow one" snarled Ashley gesturing to rack of neglected away shirts "and look how that turned out. No we can't release the away kit either, and I think it's best if we revert to black and white for the home kit. The third is a little unorthodox, but I think they'll like that."

"Remind me again Mike, which was the third kit?"

"The Leopard print tank top" said Ashley.

"Oh yes" said Derek with a wistful look in his eye "I liked it, but the players weren't too keen on it, a lot of them complained of chafing."

"No, no, no" said Ashley "we can't release any of them it would be commercial suicide, we have to cancel the launch and begin redesigning the kits in time for the pre-season. What will we tell the fans though?"

Derek thought for a moment before saying "If in doubt blame Iceland."

"I don't see how we can blame someone for selling cheap frozen foods. They are to groceries what we are to sports equipment, we can't possibly lay the blame at their door." said Ashley.

"Not the supermarket sir, the country. We'll say the kits were delayed by the volcanic ash cloud" said Derek.

"Derek that's inspired, it seems that you're not just a pretty face after all" said Ashley squeezing his cheek "Right lets get cracking on these shirt designs Derek. We're following the Barcelona model for the academy, the Arsenal model for the first team, who do we follow for the kits?"

"We should copy a well run club, who are releasing a kit prior to the World Cup" said Derek pensively "How about the Everton model?"

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Brilliant

 

That's brilliant AG

While we are on the subject of "subjects that we can't discuss".....................Does anyone know if Roy Keane really ****ed his dog off?

 

I remember that one AG

I must have seen it within minutes of you posting it.

I posted this during the World Cup when Lawro had a cold: Needless to say it was pulled tout suite!

Dear Points of View,

I noticed that poor Mark Lawrenson seems to have been under the weather recently and as such; his contributions to the match commentary have been shortened.

Keep up the good work.

Regards,

overseasTOON

P.S. Can you please read this out in a Yorkshire accent? I’m not from Yorkshire but its one accent I have struggled to mimic in the past and it would be great to hear what I would sound like if I were from Yorkshire.

 

I can confirm that this isn't true. He used his mouth not his hand.

 

I posted an article on the mackem board titled simply "Darren Bent lLoves The Cock" and the content was "anyone agree?".

Simple yet devastating. Received 1 five-star vote and about 4 one-stars then got pulled before anyone could comment. The irony is they'd probably agree with me now...

 

That post was Absolutely Glorious.

 

AG and OT

you must have more of these.


GET THEM POSTED!!

 

"The longest running comedy show in English football is back! Blackburn owner and local hero Venky has dramatically sacked manager Sam Allardyce. Allardyce, who turned rovers with into a champions league team, has had a truly awful start to the season. Sitting 13th, 12 places short of expectation levels, Allardyce has finally been given the boot following such away thrashings by Man Utd & Aston Villa - who were beaten 6-0 by Newcastle!

Have Rovers fans got a big grin on their face over this latest debacle? With Pedersen and his diving and provoking Barton, Samba of frequently elbowing Carrol, Roberts of fouling Toon's defender for Rovers' 2nd against them, Rovers of being both dirty and diving, and of course the torrent of abuse for Big Sam.

Well ironically Sam has now received the same treatment as Sam recieved from NUFC. Fingers crossed it prompts the same end result and Blackburn get relegated!"

I posted this and it didn't last two seconds. The worst thing about the ****in shamples that is 606 was that I copy and pasted this article and changed the teams from blackburn slating newcastle to newcastle slating blackburn yet the one about newcastle was left on to take the piss. BBC can lick my balls! And **** buyin a TV licence!!!!!!

 

I just found a website with all my articles from my old account on. This one came with another lengthy disclaimer:



To the Mods: This article has already been referred to a member of your moderation team who has allowed it to stay up. So please don't refer it again. Thank You.

*SPOOF WARNING*

Not one to miss a trick, Newcastle United manager Chris Hughton has made sure he gets his pre-season preparation in early.

The newly promoted Premier League team's campaign doesn't begin in earnest until the middle of August, but Hughton has launched his assault on the Premier League two months early, with Wolves the team he is targeting to replace in England's top flight.

While other Premier League teams such as Birmingham and West Brom have looked to steal a march on their rivals by signing new players before the World Cup begins, Hughton has taken a more unorthodox route.

"Well it was confirmed a few weeks ago that we would have little or no money to spend over the summer" confirmed Hughton in a brief interview outside the club's Longbenton Training Ground "so we had to think of alternative ways to survive our first season."

"Me and Colin Calderwood got together to discuss various ways in which we could secure our survival" continued Hughton with a roguish grin "we both agreed that it was necessary to play to the club's strength. And the obvious strength the club has is it's large fan base."

At first glance it would seem that Hughton is looking to turn St James' Park into a fortress for next season, and while Hughton confirmed that they are looking to maintain their impressive form from last season, which saw them winning 18 from their 23 matches and drawing their remaining five, there was a deeper meaning behind Hughton's words.

Newcastle fans are often harshly portrayed as topless humans, due to the grossly misrepresentative coverage of them broadcast by Sky Sports. What the public fail to notice is that the club also has a large following among the badger community.

"Aye, the badgers are amongst our most vehement and passionate supporters" revealed one fan outside St James Park "the thing is their support goes largely unnoticed due to the fact that the badgers are refused entry to St James Park after a TB epidemic saw them banned in the late eighties."

This ban has done nothing to sway the support of the badgers though. On matchdays they don their home shirts and watch the game on Iraq Goals in the comfort of their own setts.

Hughton however, the opportunist that he is, has decide to utilise this often neglected faction of the fan base. "We felt we could maintain our advantage over West Brom and Blackpool without investment this summer, but we didn't know how to gain ground on the teams currently in the EPL, we decided Wolves would be the most vulnerable target, and if we could weaken them, then perhaps we could survive next season" explained Chris.

"And that's where the badgers come in" revealed Colin Calderwood on his Twitter feed "we decided to send the badgers into Wolverhampton to wreak as much havoc as possible."

"Yeah the badgers were well up for it" laughed Hughton "they couldn't wait to do their bit for the club"

But this isn't just some flash in the pan scheme devised by the club to ensure survival next season, the club has set it's sights much further ahead "People are saying 'this seems like a good idea now, but Wolves will be relegated next season so the badgers won't be able to bail you out the season after'" said Hughton, but the club believe that the plan being dubbed "The Badger Model" has longevity.

"We've thought beyond next season, and we believe that through intensive breeding we will be able to invade Birmingham and bring down the two Birmingham clubs. We're in this for the long run" said the club's chief spokesbadger in a statement released last night "the badger community are fully committed to delivering Newcastle United Football Club into a new era of prosperity."

The news will come as a great relief to many supporters who were fearing the worst after the club's official end of season statement.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10237088

*DISCLAIMER: The above article is fictitious and intended purely as a bit of light hearted entertainment. I would like to confirm that the quotes made by Chris Hughton, Colin Calderwood and the Chief Spokesbadger are not real, and therefore are not libellous or defamatory. The fan who is quoted in the article was myself, and I can verify that that quote was in fact legitimate. Newcastle United are not resorting to such underhand tactics to achieve success next season.*

 

Jan 11th last year:

As we are all aware that in our modern day society there are still footballers who are less fortunate than others.

This inequality can now be rectified through financial and practical means.

A London based organisation has now been set up to help these unfortunates who find themselves on the fringes of squad life. They no longer need feel unwanted or feel that their skills are not sufficient to gain further employment.

The London based ‘Mike Ashley Foundation for Inactive Athletes’ offers the chance to rebuild lives through relocation* and gainful employment.

If you are a currently ’clubless’ footballer, have been left on the fringes of team selection or just shunned by your bosses then there is hope.

To see if you qualify then contact:

[email protected]