The day Paul Coia stole my melon baller

What are the three best and three worst things to happen to/for you this year?

I've really missed you guys.

 

Best:
Engagement party - got loads of money
Being on The Chase (although was filmed last year)
Getting a payrise

Worst:
Had a leak from my water tank, it got into my electricity meter and knocked the power out completely. Had to get a new combi boiler system.
Got shot
Had man flu the other week

 

You got shot? Tell me more, good man.

 

I'd rather not. I'm trying to put that whole sorry episode behind me and move on.

Sorry.

 

**** off, Ponders.

 

Fair enough, pal. All the best moving onwards and upwards.

 

Okay.

Bye.

 

Ladies Favourite dislikes this.

 

You can **** off and all, Beale. Done wi' yer pish.

 

Welcome back ponders, you whimsical bastard.

 

Got raped.

 

Forum needs more like him.

 

Everyone who posted on this thread before me is a cock gobbler.

 

Yep, couldn't agree more.

I'll start:

The morning of the day after Paul McCartney shared my cornetto before eating the chocolate bit at the bottom after I asked him not to

Also working on a thread idea for the time at the sausage factory that Jimmy Nail and I jammed before he was fortunate to avoid mincing his hand in a what would have been a terrible accident that could change the future of distinctly average British comedies and also the music scene.

Get ****ed, ****s.

 

Jimmy Nail never worked at the sausage factory: he sold sausages from the back of his Austin Maestro at car-boot sales.

And Paul McCartney has never consumed an ice-cream in his life; he told me so last week when we were out scrumping.

Your lies have been exposed.

Bye.

 

Best:
Moved house
Started Masturbating again
Went on vacation in February

Worst:
Wife's pals husband died
Building warrant knocked back
Thought we were winning a big job but didn't get it.

 

Best:
Got found not guilty
Found a copy of Knave from the 1970s in a hedge
****ed some deid guy's widow

Worst:
Found out out the deid guy's widow had AIDS

 

Go write a book about it

 

Best;

Won a packet of Chocolate Hob-Nobs in a raffle
Bought a mint copy of The Clash's "White Man at the Hammersmith Palais" for 70p in a junk shop
Got a hand job in a bus shelter.

Worst;

Broke down in the Blackwall Tunnel and had to wait three hours to get towed out.
Half a Chocolate Hob Nob broke off in my tea
Had a really sour satsuma.

 

Won at Cheltenham
Forrest missing penalty to win me 2-0 Commons
Found out Paul Coia was my dad

Gave up mass debating
Duck hunting season
Found out my maw was a hoor