The barnsley joke page

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

 

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that, as she had always been a
religious woman, her headstone should have the words "Lord, She was Thine" engraved
on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days
after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the
headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved
"Lord, She was Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the
following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "Thar you go sir, I've put
the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E Lord, She was Thin".

 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal! - I've already done the paperwork!"

 

what a load of balls....

 

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse".
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful" said Frank "But it could have been worse". "How in the hell" asked his bewildered friend "Could it have been worse?"
"Well" replied Frank "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

 

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.“What are you doing, Mummy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mummy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

 

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming". If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her trousers off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

 

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent £5,000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."