Forget Celtic tonight. They will win comfortably 4-0. It's the big showdown in Easties. Whodunnit? I'm making a big pot of leek and tattie soup. Splendiferous.
Ye just admitted you watch "Easties" ya mad bastard. How else would you know there's a whodunnit going on? Get back on yer medication. PS. Can I have some of yer soup please?
Have you ever frequented a newsagent you ****in spastic? No the soup is all mine you digitally challenged ****stick.
The auld fud still buys magazines off the top shelf. Hangs around reading the front page headlines on the redtops until there are no customers about then makes a grab for the **** mag.