A group of men are out hunting, one of the hunters accidently drops his gun and the jolt from the fall fires the 12 bore cartridge which hits him in the genital area. The rest of the party rush him off to hospital where he has emergency surgery. Several hours later, lying in his hospital bed recovering from surgery, he is visited by the surgeon who carried out the operation on him. “Well sir” the surgeon says, “I have good and bad news for you regarding your injuries”. “The good news – you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin area and there was little internal damage”. “We managed to remove all the pellets quite successfully” The hunter sighs with relief “Right that was the good news, what about the bad” he asks? “Well”, answers the surgeon, “there was extensive pellet damage to your penis which has left quite a few puncture holes in it”. “I’m going to have to refer you on to my sister”. Again the hunter sighs with relief “I guess that isn’t too bad, is your sister a plastic surgeon” he queries? “Not exactly,” answers the surgeon. “She plays the flute in the Halle Orchestra in Manchester”. “She is going to teach you where to place your fingers on your penis so that you don’t pee all over the place when you go to the toilet”
Joe had had terrible headaches for a number of years and finally went to his doctor. The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought,'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like to try on a new suit please." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see now - size 44 long should do it." Joe laughed, "Wow, that's right; how did you know?" "Oh, I've been in the business 40 years" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,"How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?"Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure, why not." The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said,"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck."Joe was surprised again. "You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?" "Been in the business 40 years sir." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove! Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure, I might as well." The salesman said,"Let's see... Size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head,"No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Dave, as a bit of a write myself I am fond of jokes which involve a bit of wordplay. Your example above inspired me to try one of my own: "God may disapprove of swearing but will he contain us?"
well done dave im just killing time at the airport that made me lol and everyone is looking at the mad english man
