Ingenious ways to have a ****

Any ideas, our lass is away at the mo & I'm climbing the walls.

Best one I tried was cutting the end off a melon, scooping the seeds out & ****ing it.

Wrapping your cock in steak is ok but a bit of a waste.

Any ideas?

 

did u eat the melon after?

 

'Our' lass?? Why don't you brainstorm with your bum buddy

 

No, I put it on the compost heap.

 

Nee need to get personal man.

 

Just banter mate, nothing to it

 

Non taken bud.

 

****ing the settee.

I swear by it.

 

I use this picture of Marty Feldman

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You're also supposed to put it in the oven to get it up to body temperature.

 

2 pieces of liver in a jam jar (raw liver if you want that bloody on the rag feeling)

 

Lie on your cock for a while first. It'll feel like you're ****ing off someone else.
Or something.

 

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or

http://www.vidzest.com/media/120/How_to_Make_a_Sex_Toy_out_of_a_Towel/

rubber glove can also be replaced by a plastic bag folded lengthways

 

dont know if its true but a fella i used to know said he used to take her indoors sanitary pad. slit it open and put it over his cock when driving
he would talk on the phone to his missus and rock back and forth till he cum, whip it off and chuck it out the window

sick

but

genius i thought

 

All these fancy ways are far too creative for me

I prefer to just have a normal ****, I'm right handed so for a wee treat I sometimes use my left

 

spit on yer hand n go nuts

 

Just follow the unwritten rule. Whenever alone in the hoose have a **** into her underwear drawer.

She'll start to notice the crusty bits in her knickers and think she's got an STD.

 

That is the funniest thing I've read on here in yonks