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Best Christmas Cracker Jokes

Discussion in 'Watford' started by andytoprankin, Dec 24, 2014.

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  1. yorkshirehornet

    yorkshirehornet Well-Known Member

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    cheeky!
     
    #21
    yorkshirehornet, Dec 30, 2014
  2. andytoprankin

    andytoprankin Well-Known Member

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    My son got this one last night - first time I'd heard it...

    What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
    He got 25 days.
     
    #22
    andytoprankin, Dec 31, 2014
  3. Charlie Livesey was my hero

    Charlie Livesey was my hero Well-Known Member

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    Andy, when you started this thread did you not expect a few Cheesey jokes?
     
    #23
    Charlie Livesey was my hero, Dec 31, 2014
  4. Charlie Livesey was my hero

    Charlie Livesey was my hero Well-Known Member

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    On what year did Christmas Day and New Years Day fall in the same year?
     
    #24
    Charlie Livesey was my hero, Dec 31, 2014
  5. NZHorn

    NZHorn Well-Known Member

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    Every year
     
    #25
    NZHorn, Dec 31, 2014
  6. Charlie Livesey was my hero

    Charlie Livesey was my hero Well-Known Member

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    Have a great 2015 NZ
     
    #26
    Charlie Livesey was my hero, Dec 31, 2014

  7. Charlie Livesey was my hero

    Charlie Livesey was my hero Well-Known Member

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    What do you call a fly without wings?

    A walk
     
    #27
    Charlie Livesey was my hero, Dec 31, 2014
  8. Charlie Livesey was my hero

    Charlie Livesey was my hero Well-Known Member

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    What do you call a blind Reindeer?
     
    #28
    Charlie Livesey was my hero, Dec 31, 2014
  9. yorkshirehornet

    yorkshirehornet Well-Known Member

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    ermmm no-eye-deer <doh>
     
    #29
    yorkshirehornet, Dec 31, 2014
  10. Charlie Livesey was my hero

    Charlie Livesey was my hero Well-Known Member

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    So what do you call a blind reindeer with no legs?
     
    #30
    Charlie Livesey was my hero, Dec 31, 2014
    andytoprankin likes this.
  11. NZHorn

    NZHorn Well-Known Member

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    Still no-eye-deer
     
    #31
    NZHorn, Dec 31, 2014
    andytoprankin likes this.
  12. Charlie Livesey was my hero

    Charlie Livesey was my hero Well-Known Member

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    You're playing a blinder NZ (soon be midnight)
     
    #32
    Charlie Livesey was my hero, Dec 31, 2014
  13. andytoprankin

    andytoprankin Well-Known Member

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    There
    That was less Tesco Mild - more matured Stilton. :)
     
    #33
    andytoprankin, Jan 1, 2015
  14. andytoprankin

    andytoprankin Well-Known Member

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    I got a racing snail for Christmas. He wasn't that quick so I took his shell off him to make him go faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
     
    #34
    andytoprankin, Jan 1, 2015
  15. andytoprankin

    andytoprankin Well-Known Member

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    As a fan of all things Cuban, I had a moderate Christmas. Clothes, but no cigar.
     
    #35
    andytoprankin, Jan 1, 2015
  16. andytoprankin

    andytoprankin Well-Known Member

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    What do call cheese that isn't yours?
    Nacho Cheese.
     
    #36
    andytoprankin, Jan 1, 2015
  17. Charlie Livesey was my hero

    Charlie Livesey was my hero Well-Known Member

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    Q- What did the slug say to the snail?
    A- "Big Issue?"
     
    #37
    Charlie Livesey was my hero, Jan 1, 2015
  18. Scullion

    Scullion Well-Known Member

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    why don't elephants like penguins?
    ... They can't get the wrapper off.

    How many ears did Captain Kirk have?
    ... a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.

    What's white & fluffy and swings through the cake shop?
    ... A meringue-utang

    Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods... we enjoy it, but the tramp's getting a bit fed up!

    How can you make an apple puff?
    ... chase it round the garden a few times.

    All from this years crackers, the following is probably well know but it appeals to me

    A skeleton walks into a pub and orders a pint and a mop & bucket.
     
    #38
    Scullion, Jan 1, 2015
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  19. andytoprankin

    andytoprankin Well-Known Member

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    I'm well into my fifth decade, scullion, but those jokes made me feel young again. ;)

    The skeleton one and the dog/tramp one are new to me and I liked them... as for the apple puff one, well... least said, I think. ;)

    What did the grape say to the raisin?
    'Tis the season to be jelly.
     
    #39
    andytoprankin, Jan 3, 2015
  20. andytoprankin

    andytoprankin Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps this is an end to this thread, being Twelfth Night tonight.

    Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
    Because they were two deer.

    Mary and Joseph - now they had a stable relationship.

    What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
    The One Show.

    How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
    They had a weigh in a manger.

    Why did Rudolph the reindeer have the complete works of Shakespeare on his top lip?
    Because his nose was well read.

    Here's hoping we have a very happy New Year with the 'Orns. :)
     
    #40
    andytoprankin, Jan 5, 2015
    canary-dave likes this.
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