Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy. Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them. Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time." Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
How about this one then? 4 people in the carriage of a train - a Irish man, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and an Englishman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Englishman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him." The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Englishman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him." The Englishman thinks: "I bet that the Irish man fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me." The Irish man thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that English twat again."
2 Irish fellas walking past a graveyard one says to the other Jesus this stone says that when this lady died she was 93, wow replies paddy thats amazing what was her name ? Mary from Cork replied Murphy Paddy then looks around and says to murphy wow this stone says that when this fella died he was 102. wow says Murphy what was his name ? Mick from Kerry replied Paddy Murphy not wanting to be undone looked around and said well this stone says that when this fella died he was 207 Paddy replied 207 wow that is truely amazing what was his name ? Miles from Dublin replied Murphy,,,
Anyone want to pm me their e-mail and i will forward all the gags i get some are brill some average ok cheers chris
Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines. Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it: Ronnie Biggs Ronnie O'Sullivan Ronnie Corbett Ronnie Wood Take your time Paddy: I'll take the money Chris Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer. Paddy: I know the answer Chris. Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental? Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.
Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near the local church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Jeezus, there's a bloke here who was 287!" Paddy asks, "What was his name?" Mick replies, "Miles from London."
