A man is hot air ballooning over Ireland & gets lost. He peers over the basket & sees a farmer working in his fields. He shouts down to him, 'hello, can you tell me where I am?' The farmer looks up & says, 'you can't fool me, you're in that wee basket.'
Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Little girl sitting on a park bench stroking a dog and a bloke sits down beside her. " hello little girl that's a pretty dress, would you like a sweet?" " No thankyou " " that's the cutest little dog I've ever seen, what do you call him?" " Porky " says the girl. " why do you call him Porky " " cos he f@cks pigs " replied the little girl.
bloke walk's into his local pub say's to the barman 8 double vodka's barman see's this bloke's not happy like what's this all about say's the barman just found out that me eldest son's gay same bloke walk's into the pub the next night ask's the same barman for 10 double vodka's barman said what's wrong this time the bloke say's just found out that me other son is gay. third day running this is, the bloke walk's into the pub and order's 12 double vodka's the barman look's at him and say's f.f.s. is there anyone in your house that like's a woman bloke say's I me wife.
Just getting ready for England's world cup qualifiers. Being very patriotic I hung the Saint Georges flag from my bedroom window which faces a main road. I was a bit worried that it might offend a few passing Muslims. So just to put my mind at rest I wrote' Mohammed is a ****' on it.
08-15-2009, 18:34 - The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm. - It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. - The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples. - The average man's todger is three times the length of his thumb. - A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. - If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died. - There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. - Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch. - Women blink twice as much as men. - When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate! - Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. - If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. - The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. ... you looked at your thumb, didn't you?
An Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman were sitting in this pub talking about what they'd do if they won the lottery. They all agreed that they'd buy a bar but could not agree on the location. The Englishman says, 'I'd have mine in the North East, the lads love their beer there & I'd sell loads & make a fortune.' The Scotsman chimes in, 'I'd have mine in Glasgow, they love their whisky up there & I too would make loads of dosh.' Then the Irish fella pipes up, 'I'd have mine in Ethiopia.' And then silence. 'Ethiopia?' exclaimed the other two, 'why's that?' 'Come on', says Patrick, 'have you seen the ****ing beer bellies on them ****s, they must like a good sup.'
A big negress goes to the doctors complaining of severe headaches. The doctor says " take your clothes off, lay on the bed and spread your legs " She replies " will that cure my headaches ?" The doctor says " probably not but me and the missus have just bought a brown leather sofa and I wanted to see what it looked like with pink cushions "
A woman go's to the doctors with a problem. 'What's wrong with you' asks the doc. 'Well doctor, I woke up this morning, went for a shower & found I had three fannies.' 'Right' say's the doc, 'get your clothes off & let me have a look.' The woman strips & sure enough she does have three vagina's. 'Hmm' says the doc, 'just give me a second.' He go's into the cupboard & brings out some sticking plasters. He put's one over each fanny that should not be there. 'There you are my dear, off you go.' 'Will that cure me doctor?' says the woman. 'No my dear', says the doc, 'but'll stop you getting ****ed left, right & centre.'
An English woman, Scottish woman and an Irish woman were sitting having a cuppa, The English woman says âI called my son George, because he was born on St Georgeâs dayâ The Scottish woman said, âWhat a coincidence, I called my son Andrew because he was born on St Andrews dayâ The Irish woman said, âIs that the time? I need to go and pick our Pancake up from schoolâ
An englishman irishman and scotsman crash landed in the desert after 3 days the englishman said i cant go any further but when you bury me make sure i am buried with my head deep down i cant stand the thought of the vutures pecking my eyes out, after another couple of days the scotsman says the same to paddy make sure my head is deep down i hate the thought of the vultures pecking my eyes out, he says ok , after 2 more days paddy has had enough and buries himself with his arse stuck out the sand, a gay arab is passing and sees his arse and starts to rodger it and he hear's paddy say you can peck my arse as much as want but your not getting me ****ing eyes.
A man dies & go's up to Heaven to be met by St Peter. 'What did you die of?' says Pete. 'The big C - cancer' says the chap. 'Right mate, first door on the left' says Peter. Another fella dies & go's up & gets asked the same question. 'The big A' he says, 'AIDS'. 'Nee bother' says Peter, 'second on the left mate.' A bit later on a big Jamaican woman takes the escalator to Heaven & is indeed asked the very same question. 'Big G' she replies. 'Big G?' says Pete, 'what the **** is the Big G?' 'Gonorrhea' says the woman. 'Don't be stupid', says the Saint, 'you can't die from gonorrhea!' The woman replied, 'you can if you give it to big Louie.'
A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP. The librarian "says get the **** out" The man replies "that's the one"
