The barnsley joke page

In divorce women have all the rights and men have all the lefts...

Left homeless.
Left penniless.
Left childless.
Left for another man.

 

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH


A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:


'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'


The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"


'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi .'


$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

 

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.

A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”



Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

 

I never knew this....



Did you know 'listen' and 'silent' use the same letters?



Do you also know that the words 'race car' spelled backwards still spells 'race car'?



And that 'eat' is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense 'ate'?



And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in 'illegal immigrants' and add just a few more letters, it spells: 'Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking arseholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-shagging, raggedy-ass idiots with you.'



How weird is that? English really is a strange language, isn't it!!!!!! *

 

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.





He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.





The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.





The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

 

What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair

Virgin Mobile

 

How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb

One and this is not funny

 

THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN



A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man

if he has never had sex with another woman.



After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.

She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other..
So, they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for

the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing

in the middle of the room, naked.



All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says,



"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

 

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

 

Lol,

That's very naughty of you Kiwi posting that joke,

















I nearly spat my beer all over my laptop,lol.

 

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.



Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."



Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"



3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"



"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

 

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

 

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and

the director started
looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to
apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send
him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said,

"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north
slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable”


"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....


"It's a cabernet,
eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels,
matured at 8 degrees.

Requires three more years for finest results.."








"Correct." A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne,
high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.


The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary

to suggest something.



She left the room, and came back in with

a glass of urine.



The alcoholic tried it.


"It's a blonde, 26 years old,
three months pregnant and
if you don't give
me the job,
I'll name the father."

 

During travel in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted *****lian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”


The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”


The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”


The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”


The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, *****lian VD. Vewy ware disease.”


The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way....

no need amputate!”


“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.


“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week... fall off by itself!”

 

50 shades of grey

He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment. His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and
out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.

Her heart was pounding....pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with
perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to
groan louder and louder and louder. Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.

Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said:








"OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T parallel park the f**kin car!!!!"

 

Prince Charles is on an official tour of Scotland, ahead of the independence vote.


Visiting an Edinburgh hospital, he enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.


The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."


His Royal Highness is confused. He just smiles and moves on to the next patient and says “Hello – what’s up with you, old fellow?”


The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."


Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."


Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

 

Malc stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole
for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down,
waggled again, but didn't start his back swing..
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the heck is taking so
long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Malc explained. 'I want
to make a perfect shot.'
His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from
here.'

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night,
and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death