If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ......... Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk way
Who the hell is Eric ? Well, Eric is the geezer who got home late one night: Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with ........... "Where the hell have you been?" Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!" "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar note tattooed on my willy" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his willy?" "Well...One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.. And lastly... Instead of you going out shopping all the time, now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!" Eric is currently in the Intensive Care Unit.
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate. "First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the smile,' says the Coroner. "Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says. The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'" "Ah," says the coroner, " this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning." "Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken".
