Today we had a flying visit from great Uncle Cletus. He wanted to show us his bird imitations. I must say I wasn't too pleased to see him sitting naked in the tree and crapping on my bonnet.
[video=youtube;-ssXJtzFOjA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-ssXJtzFOjA [/video]
I found a video on my wife's phone of me shagging her. I don't remember filming this but it must have been on holiday, I've got a great tan and my cock looks massive.........
This long time CDU (Conservative) party member in Germany had, quite recently, reached the grand old age of 81 when, suddenly, he resigned and joined the SPD (Labour) rivals. His friends in the CDU were horrified and asked him what on earth was he doing, had he gone crazy? "No", he replied thoughtfully, "I just thought it would be better if one of them had died, instead of one of us"...............
Nicked from Swansea board Leasing Vs Purchasing Leasing vs. purchasing analysis.. Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing….. We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of foolish men. The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows: After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship It ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per episode. Leasing On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Kristen, Charged $4,000 per night. So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night, He would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night. This represents a $41.7 million saving for Eliot. What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the aging Beatle. Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are; * a (real) 22 year old * no need for coaxing / pleading / begging * never a headache * happily agrees to all technical requests * no complaining * no Honey - please do this lists *Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked. All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees. Sometimes Leasing just makes more sense ------------------------------------------------------------- Favourite Film ?? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Movie test This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Movie Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below. Movie List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story Now, ain't that something.....? ------------------------------------------------------------------- Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Luigi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please,please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...' Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes...! ------------------------------------------------------------------ The ladies will apreciate this one ! After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms." She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. "That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?" Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib? -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between praying in church and at the track? At the track you really ****in' mean it!
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Man with a frog on his head walks into a bar. "What happened there?" Asked the barman. "Damned if I know? It all started a couple of weeks ago with a wart on my arse." Replied the frog.
Scots man in the doctors with his wife Doc say whats happened Jock " shes going through the change" Doc "dont think so she has no teeth hair missing, black eyes, ear ripped and a broken nose, that does not happen when she goes through the change" Jock " it does if the change is in my ****ing pocket"
“Live at Edinburgh Castle” – BBC1 (note – not a BBC Scotland production) Why wasn’t it in Glasgow if it was to celebrate the Commonwealth Games? Why was gorgeous Welsh woman Alex Jones presenting? Don’t the Jocks have any fit birds? How come almost all the acts were English, Welsh, American or basically anything but Scottish? Couldn’t they afford The Proclaimers, Lulu, Annie Lennox, Amy Macdonald, Sharlene Spiteri, KT Tunstall, Dougie MacLean, Paolo Nutini, Midge Ure, et al? All the Jocks did supply was the miserable weather! The show closed with fireworks accompanied by John Miles performing his nearly forty year old hit “Music”... Was this the BBC’s attempt to get the Jocks to vote Yes?
I am sure that Juddmonte will not mind getting a free advertisement on here. On King George day, the second race, the Princess Margaret Juddmonte Stakes, was prefaced by this little beauty: please log in to view this image Shame that Sir Henry is not around as a little bit of mum and dad’s ability might make her a Classic contender in a couple of years’ time.
